As I smoke my daily dose of cigarettes I wonder where will I be in a couple of months. Currently working as a therapist. My boss said I am not keeping up with the numbers. You see it’s all about productivity and not the quality of the therapy. I trying to keep up with the numbers, but I forget and just focus on therapy. I am starting not to feel comfortable at work. I need the occasional pat on the shoulder and it’ does not look like it’s coming anytime soon. I’ve started to apply for other jobs, yet I keep decorating my office like I am staying for the remainder. My point is that I feel almost terrified about what could happen in the next few months like getting fired once again. I am scared about that, but then again I welcome it because I am starting to become unhappy where I work because it’s all about the the numbers.
I feel like I am loosing ground because I can’t find a job, feel lost, and lonely. I am trying really hard to change all that, but it’s been so difficult. For one I thought that by getting my license for social work would mean that I would find employers knocking on my door, but it has not been that way. I can’t find a job. I have prospects but they are not happening fast enough for me. As for two feeling lost I guess it has a lot to do with number one. I feel like I don’t have my feet on the ground and that I am just flying all over the place. I feel aimless. For number three I’ve been feeling lonely for a long time. I live alone and at night it really kicks my ass to be alone. The loneliness also kicks in the morning when I wake up to my reality. I start crying like a baby most days and it’s so hard to snap out of it. I know that if someone were around I would not feel the pain I feel so deeply. Well I must say that as long as I am trying I will be alright. May be by saying I am loosing ground could be too much. I should may be say I am unsteady instead.
I’ am presently stuck because I can’t move away from my current life status. You see I am working as a case manager and not as a social worker at my current job. I don’t hate the job but it’s not my profession. I’ve tried to get a job as a social worker, but I’ve been unable to because like I have mentioned before I don’t have the license to practice. You see I failed the exam once again; this time by one fucking point. I can’t believe it. Now I have to take it again in the hopes that I pass it. I can’t move forward with out passing it, so I am stuck in the mean time. I am stuck as a case manager and can’t make enough money to pay my bills; especially my student’s loans. I am very depressed over this situation and can’t seem to get out it unless I pass the test is the only way. To add insult to injury; I am still stuck on my ex lover. He is awful even though he is still with his twenty nine year old girlfriend he still looks for me in the hopes that I will lay with him. I don’t get it. If he is so happy with this girl/child what is the problem why would he still reach out to me for sexual favors? Is it his ego or what. I don’t understand. When he reaches out I get illusions and think that he is going to break with her, but it has not happened yet. I know I am being stupid for even wanting him back, but I still love him, so I am letting my heart rule me. I know I must forget him and I know I will, but in the mean time I am horny and want him badly so he could quell those feelings. In addition, I am stuck regarding my social life. I don’t have very many friends and the ones I do have are not very supportive. When so call friend have I am convinced now that she is not a true friend and called me a crazy bitch then the next day tried to make a joke of it. I have not given her response to name calling and don’t intend to speak to her ever again. I will miss her but that is it. No more contact. That’s it! The only friend that I could count on moved to Florida recently. So in the mean time I am stuck with no real friends. It’s my fault that I don’t have more friends. I don’t have many because I don’t really go out. I really don’t want too even though I live in New York City where there is so much to do. So in the mean time I am stuck with all this bullshit and no good friends. I know I have to put more effort to change my situation, but I am so stuck that I don’t have the energy to even start. I feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I have tried to pray and supplicate to God to help me, but it’s falling on death ears. Which makes me feel empty and have doubts that God even exist. I intend to write in the future about those thoughts and doubts about God. On that note I will continue to cry every chance I get and remain stuck until I can muster the energy to get unstuck.
It’s not a joke to be sitting in front of my computer and surfing the internet all day. I spend my days just doing that. Today I did manage to dust, but I did not do much else. I really need to reevaluate my life and make better decisions like doing something else besides sitting in front of the computer. I have so many things that I need to do. I need to study for my license exam, exercise, and meet with friends and family.
I am not a young girl anymore and I have to get some perspective. I need to prioritize and face my life challenges head on and not procrastinate to avoid them. I need to be again the woman that I know I am and that is driven and a go getter.
I know why I am acting like I have no responsibilities. It’s because I got terminated from work not too long ago. When I got terminated I was also handed a copy of my evaluation that was written by someone that was not even my supervisor. It was a vicious evaluation. I say vicious because the way she wrote it now makes me doubt my ability to be a social worker.
I know that what I am trying to do is hide from the world because of that treatment by my ex employer. I feel shot down by the termination and feel embarrassed, so because of that situation I have decided that for now I am going to stay home and sit in front of the computer for most of the day. It’s not a joke, but that is what I intend to do for a while.