I can’t culminate

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Culminate ~ To reach the highest point or degree; climax. I get excited, yet I can’t culminate. The man I love takes me there all the time. He takes me to height of  excitement to the point where I can bare it any longer, yet I can’t culminate. He is fierce in his love making and I do love it, but I can’t culminate. During the act of love making unfortunately I can’t take my mind off of things. It’s the of the stupidest things that I think about. I know that does not allow me to culminate. I also think the problem is after I see him since I don’t culminate when I get home I take care of myself with the trusty water facet in the bathtub. I plan not to that anymore because I don’t want my man to continue competing with a water faucet. Once I do that the next time I have sex with him surely I will culminate.Surely I will culminate with him soon and I can’t wait for that moment of sheer delight. Ah I know it’s going to feel real, real good.

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A Bit

Ruth Orkin 1951

Things have changed a bit. I am now working as a case manager for a cancer care organization. I am over qualified for the position, but I took the job because I am running out of unemployment and could not find another job under my profession; social work due to my licensing issues. I feel like a total looser. I can’t believe this is happening to me; did not pass the license exam. I plan to rectify that in January 2011. I hope that I pass it then. If I do pass a lot of doors will open for me career wise and I am looking forward to that. As for being a looser I continue to be one by not studying yet. I plan it, but don’t do it. It’s amazing to me how I could be so careless knowing that my lively hood depends on passing this important exam. I can’t figure out why I am doing this. I know that I must study, but I have not started to get serious about it. I will. I hope. As for my love life it’s the same. The man that I love is still with the 29 year old woman. Until the other day he and I were arguing about still contacting him. He does it first I follow up and he gets angry. He is a mess that way. Now we are in speaking terms again until the next fight. For now I am not dating and don’t intend to. Although, I feel incredibly horny I don’t want to date because I am simply not in the mood to let another man in my life. I feel that way because I still have not gotten over my past relationship and feel very wary about ever having another one.  Anyway for now I plan to think about doing the right things regarding my career and my love life and hopefully soon I will take the actions that I need to take.

I Wanted to Believe

His subway stop to his home

I wanted to believe that he at least cared. We been seeing each other for over five years now. Now he has decided to extricate himself from me. I can’t believe that it is happening because I did not see it coming. I know he started saying that he met someone that has captured his attention. At first I thought that it was not a big deal because she is not even close to our age. She is much younger. I thought that may be he would forget it, but he  has not on the contrary he has decided to court her. Now I am in disbelief and find myself unable to accept it. I cry constantly and feel helpless. I know at first we had a cordial conversations about it. I allowed that because I thought nothing of it. What has  happened now is that this is a reality and because of it I have become insanely jealous and can’t even stand the thought of a woman that I have never met. She seems to have captured his heart in little time something that I have been unable to do with years of time. I feel so rejected and have tried to have a conversation with him about it, but he won’t allow it. He keeps telling me that he does not want to talk now and hangs up the phone. I feel now as if we never spent time together and that I never made an impact in his  life. I know from our past quarrels that he could be insensitive and often does not comprehend why I get angry and feel misunderstood. What confirms that was yesterday when we argued and shouted until late evening as a result of all the quarreling the last time we spoke  he said in a tone that I have never heard before to stop calling him. That tone in his voice is still in my head and I could still hear it today. The tone in his voice sounded to me like hate and disdain towards me. I finally once I heard him that way it made me realize that he does not care for me, but in spite of it all, incredibly I started today in a more peaceful mode because I know I must move on finally and let him go. I know this because I  have tried with all my might to get him to hear me and see that I love him, but he  has decided that he won’t accept my cries. That only proves to me the obvious and that is that he does not care as a result, today I will try to put it all behind me and like I said before I will move on with my life.   All I have ever wanted to believe is that he cares.

Comfortably Numb

Feeling comfortably numb these days. I lost my job on April 23, 2010. Excuses; I lost it after having five supervisors. I felt during my time at that job that I was not being productive due to all the changes that kept arising on how to perform the job. I could not keep up and felt overwhelmed often. I tried daily to cut it and do my job, but most of the time it was impossible. I did finally become comfortable with my performance but it was too late and I got terminated. Today I spend most of my days on the computer. I am suppose to study for a license exam for Social Work, but I have not started. I did schedule study time for today at 3:00 p.m. I just hope I don’t find an excuse not to do it. As for feeling comfortably numb I say that because I have decided to just hide out in my apartment and try to feel and think as little as possible about my career and relationships.  I think it’s just a defense mechanism for now. I don’t think I will stay this way for very long because I am driven and go after what I want in all aspects of my life. I say I won’t stay this way very long but unfortunately I don’t know when I will be able to pick myself and start to face my challenges. I know I will but when is the question. I feel really comfortable in this mode. For now I will stay this way; comfortably numb for an unknown period of time.