It Seems Right

Banksy

It seems right that I have not spoken to him for a few days. I have not spoken to my “ex lover” in 3 whole days. To me thats is a lot. I don’t know when we will speak again. I miss him, yet I feel that this is right to not speak and or see each other for a while. It’s alright because like I mentioned before in my previous posts he is seeing someone new. He has decided to move on with out me. It seems right today only I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. Today I did cry about it before I even started my day, but right now at 3:37 p.m. Eastern time I feel a lot better. I have decided that I don’t deserve the way has treated me and that the last time we spoke he was very mean towards me and I still have a ringing in my ears from all the yelling between the two of us. I even broke a vase during our heated discussion. I will admit that felt pretty good to throw and break the vase. However, I decided today that I will try with all my might not contact him anymore because I finally realize he does not care for me at all. Right now I need people in my life who are supportive of me and care for me and I don’t believe he falls into that category. Currently I am listening to a song by Eddie Kendricks titled “He is a friend of mine” and even though I am not religious I feel that is what I need to do is reach towards my higher power to help sustain me through all of this; missing him. I almost feel rejuvenated and almost sure my ex does too. I think we both realize that our relationship most of the time especially when we were apart was toxic. I say when were apart because usually that is when we fought. We fought over the phone and the fights were usually verbally abusive from both parties. Now that I have finally accepted that I need to step back and get out of his way. I see things a lot more clear and hopefully now I will be able to move on a little easier.  In my previous post and because of my desperation I thought I was getting sick mentally. I thought that my bipolar symptoms were flaring up. I even called my doctor to help me. That was on Tuesday and he still has not called me back. I don’t care anymore that my doctor did not call back because I feel a lot better, but that does not say much about my doctor. That was really careless of him not to respond, but then again I know that his Mother is very ill in Venezuela and perhaps that is where he is, yet he should have an answering service for emergencies. Luckily I think now I did not have an emergency.  I feel a lot better and I even feel rejuvenated and that is a good feeling to finally have. I think what has helped is that I do have people I can talk to even though often I think I don’t. They are there and I say Amen to that for I would not know where I would be today if it were not for them. Well like I said before it all seems right where I am right now and may be it’s where I need to be. I also need to learn from it and  hope that it never happens again. I don’t think it will, but you never know and if does I will run for the hills as soon as I get an inkling that I will be in the same situation.  Now at 4:00 pm Eastern time I am going to listen to my Itunes (music) and rest something that had stopped doing for a little while because I felt so badly.

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Comfortably Numb

Feeling comfortably numb these days. I lost my job on April 23, 2010. Excuses; I lost it after having five supervisors. I felt during my time at that job that I was not being productive due to all the changes that kept arising on how to perform the job. I could not keep up and felt overwhelmed often. I tried daily to cut it and do my job, but most of the time it was impossible. I did finally become comfortable with my performance but it was too late and I got terminated. Today I spend most of my days on the computer. I am suppose to study for a license exam for Social Work, but I have not started. I did schedule study time for today at 3:00 p.m. I just hope I don’t find an excuse not to do it. As for feeling comfortably numb I say that because I have decided to just hide out in my apartment and try to feel and think as little as possible about my career and relationships.  I think it’s just a defense mechanism for now. I don’t think I will stay this way for very long because I am driven and go after what I want in all aspects of my life. I say I won’t stay this way very long but unfortunately I don’t know when I will be able to pick myself and start to face my challenges. I know I will but when is the question. I feel really comfortable in this mode. For now I will stay this way; comfortably numb for an unknown period of time.