I can’t culminate

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Culminate ~ To reach the highest point or degree; climax. I get excited, yet I can’t culminate. The man I love takes me there all the time. He takes me to height of  excitement to the point where I can bare it any longer, yet I can’t culminate. He is fierce in his love making and I do love it, but I can’t culminate. During the act of love making unfortunately I can’t take my mind off of things. It’s the of the stupidest things that I think about. I know that does not allow me to culminate. I also think the problem is after I see him since I don’t culminate when I get home I take care of myself with the trusty water facet in the bathtub. I plan not to that anymore because I don’t want my man to continue competing with a water faucet. Once I do that the next time I have sex with him surely I will culminate.Surely I will culminate with him soon and I can’t wait for that moment of sheer delight. Ah I know it’s going to feel real, real good.

Stuck

I’ am presently stuck because I can’t move away from my current life status. You see I am working as a case manager and not as a social worker at my current job. I don’t hate the job but it’s not my profession. I’ve tried to get a job as a social worker, but I’ve been unable to because like I have mentioned before I don’t have the license to practice. You see I failed the exam once again; this time by one fucking point. I can’t believe it. Now I have to take it again in the hopes that I pass it. I can’t move forward with out passing it, so I am stuck in the mean time. I am stuck as a case manager and can’t make enough money to pay my bills; especially my student’s loans. I am very depressed over this situation and can’t seem to get out it unless I pass the test is the only way.  To add insult to injury; I am still stuck on my ex lover. He is awful even though he is still with his twenty nine year old girlfriend he still looks for me in the hopes that I will lay with him. I don’t get it. If he is so happy with this girl/child what is the problem why would he still reach out to me for sexual favors? Is it his ego or what. I don’t understand. When he reaches out I get illusions and think that he is going to break with her, but it has not happened yet. I know I am being stupid for even wanting him back, but I still love him, so I am letting my heart rule me. I know I must forget him and I know I will, but in the mean time I am horny and want him badly so he could quell those feelings. In addition, I am stuck regarding my social life. I don’t have very many friends and the ones I do have are not very supportive. When so call friend have I am convinced now that she is not a true friend and called me a crazy bitch then the next day tried to make a joke of it. I have not given her response to name calling and don’t intend to speak to her ever again. I will miss her but that is it. No more contact. That’s it! The only friend that I could count on moved to Florida recently. So in the mean time I am stuck with no real friends. It’s my fault that I don’t have more friends. I don’t have many because I don’t really go out. I really don’t want too even though I live in New York City where there is so much to do. So in the mean time I am stuck with all this bullshit and no good friends. I know I have to put more effort to change my situation, but I am so stuck that I don’t have the energy to even start. I feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I have tried to pray and supplicate to God to help me, but it’s falling on death ears. Which makes me feel empty and have doubts that God even exist. I intend to write in the future about those thoughts and doubts about God. On that note I will continue to cry every chance I get and remain stuck until I can muster the energy to get unstuck.

Murky

La Nuit 1883 by William Adolphe Bouguereau

My thoughts and feelings are murky today. I can’t figure out what I am really feeling. I can remember that yesterday and the day before I felt happy, but starting late last night I started to feel odd. I remember when it happened and it was when I started thinking of him; my ex. I thought of him and realized that I no longer feel the longing I did for him. Those feelings of wanting him have gone. I don’t feel the intense desire anymore to be near him. I finally come to the realization that it’s over, but that was yesterday that I felt that way. Today I my feelings are murky and unexplainable. Could it be that I feel numb and unfeeling? Have I become callous and uncaring? I hope not. For I consider myself a sensitive person and in touch with my feelings. Even yesterday the day the anniversary of my Mothers death did not move me. Only for a brief moment last night I did cry for her, but that was it. Could it be that I’ve grown up some and feel stronger and not letting my feelings get to me? Could it be that? I just don’t know. May be it’s that I learned from the experience and don’t feel so vulnerable anymore. That’s good I think. As write this the word that comes to mind is hollow. As if my feelings were yanked away from me. It’s a scary way to feel. I do hope that it goes away soon and that become my sensitive and dogged self soon.  I don’t like not feeling anything. I notice yesterday even when I receive calls I don’t want to engage nor do I feel anything about the caller. I wonder if he were to call would I feel anything. Should I test that by calling him? No I don’t think I should do that. I don’t want to alienate him and make him think that I still harbor intense feelings for him. I must admit that my body has not lost it’s desire to have sex. I want to have sex and as I am writing realize I do still want to have sex with him, but that can’t happen because I have forgotten him and don’t desire him like I use to. Right now at 10:27 a.m. my feelings are still murky and explainable. I don’t what to make of it. All can say it’s as if I were mechanical and the only thing that I feel is my body full of desire to be touched, but mind does not feel a thing and does not even think of ways to get touched accomplished. I just don’t know what to make of this current mental status and only hope that by tomorrow I will not feel this way.

Me So Horny

Lately I’ve been so horny that I don’t know what to do with myself. I get horny at work, supermarket and of course when I am trying to sleep. I am 48 years and I am at my peek and that could be it. However, the feeling becomes so very intense when I do that I think people know. I try to calm myself down with playing with myself but it does not help. All I want to do really is have sex. I no longer have a boyfriend so I have to deal with this feeling alone. I don’t want to pick up someone or date men I don’t like just to get laid.  That is not my style. I generally believe that I need to be attracted to the person or better yet in love. By writing this little snippet of what is going on my life helps distract me of my horniness. Lol ! I wish my body would stop craving for a bit so I can find someone to fall in love with and have sex and of course make love.

A Bit

Ruth Orkin 1951

Things have changed a bit. I am now working as a case manager for a cancer care organization. I am over qualified for the position, but I took the job because I am running out of unemployment and could not find another job under my profession; social work due to my licensing issues. I feel like a total looser. I can’t believe this is happening to me; did not pass the license exam. I plan to rectify that in January 2011. I hope that I pass it then. If I do pass a lot of doors will open for me career wise and I am looking forward to that. As for being a looser I continue to be one by not studying yet. I plan it, but don’t do it. It’s amazing to me how I could be so careless knowing that my lively hood depends on passing this important exam. I can’t figure out why I am doing this. I know that I must study, but I have not started to get serious about it. I will. I hope. As for my love life it’s the same. The man that I love is still with the 29 year old woman. Until the other day he and I were arguing about still contacting him. He does it first I follow up and he gets angry. He is a mess that way. Now we are in speaking terms again until the next fight. For now I am not dating and don’t intend to. Although, I feel incredibly horny I don’t want to date because I am simply not in the mood to let another man in my life. I feel that way because I still have not gotten over my past relationship and feel very wary about ever having another one.  Anyway for now I plan to think about doing the right things regarding my career and my love life and hopefully soon I will take the actions that I need to take.

Still Miss Him

33rd Street Train Station

Of course it has not been that long since we separated, so I still miss him. I saw him briefly on July 16, 2010 on the day of his birthday to tie up some loose ends. I tried to be calm and I think I was, but I still reached out and touched him and even kissed his cheek. I miss doing that and wanted to be with him, but he has someone new in his life and I could not even image being with him in a sexual manner knowing that he has been with someone else. I am so jealous these days of her because she has access to him and I do not anymore. I guess that down the road I can call him for a brief chat, but I don’t even want to do that because it will hurt too much when the conversation ends and he will say good bye.  In the mean time what has been happening to me at all kinds of hours is that I get excited because I miss him. My body starts to ache for his touch. What I do to quell those feelings are numerous things; clean, bathe, or just lay down. Sometimes all that works but most often than not I just have to wait for the feeling to pass. It’s obvious that for some time I will have those sexual feelings for him. He might not ever know this, but I have decided for today that he will be the last man that I will ever have a relationship with. I decided that because I don’t think I can bare having another man touch me in any manner. I don’t think I could stand that. I have had many lovers, but he is the one that took my heart and  has not given it back. The proof of that is a man that has been trying to change my mind about giving my body and heart to him, but I refuse and will not  give myself to anyone like I said before for sometime. I would of course like it to be forever, but forever is a long time and I don’t know what the future holds.I been contemplating this idea for a long time and that is and have looked into it already. It may also seem juvenile that I want a chinese symbol tattoo of his name on the small of my back. I love the idea because for one I have always wanted to do it and because if I do the mark will mean to me that I was dedicated to the relationship and it meant a lot to me. I want to  hold the relationship memories dear and the tattoo will help with that. Plus to me it will also mean a life battle scar. A scare that will be visible for others to see and for me to cherish. Again it may seem juvenile, but that is what I am planning to do in the near future. Finally, today Sunday July 18, 2010 I had plans to go the beach, but decided against it because I don’t want to go out doors alone because I feel vulnerable and will start to feel sorry for myself because I feel lonely. I would ask a friend to go with me, but most of my friends are either in church or have other plans so I will just stay home and find things to do.

It Seems Right

Banksy

It seems right that I have not spoken to him for a few days. I have not spoken to my “ex lover” in 3 whole days. To me thats is a lot. I don’t know when we will speak again. I miss him, yet I feel that this is right to not speak and or see each other for a while. It’s alright because like I mentioned before in my previous posts he is seeing someone new. He has decided to move on with out me. It seems right today only I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. Today I did cry about it before I even started my day, but right now at 3:37 p.m. Eastern time I feel a lot better. I have decided that I don’t deserve the way has treated me and that the last time we spoke he was very mean towards me and I still have a ringing in my ears from all the yelling between the two of us. I even broke a vase during our heated discussion. I will admit that felt pretty good to throw and break the vase. However, I decided today that I will try with all my might not contact him anymore because I finally realize he does not care for me at all. Right now I need people in my life who are supportive of me and care for me and I don’t believe he falls into that category. Currently I am listening to a song by Eddie Kendricks titled “He is a friend of mine” and even though I am not religious I feel that is what I need to do is reach towards my higher power to help sustain me through all of this; missing him. I almost feel rejuvenated and almost sure my ex does too. I think we both realize that our relationship most of the time especially when we were apart was toxic. I say when were apart because usually that is when we fought. We fought over the phone and the fights were usually verbally abusive from both parties. Now that I have finally accepted that I need to step back and get out of his way. I see things a lot more clear and hopefully now I will be able to move on a little easier.  In my previous post and because of my desperation I thought I was getting sick mentally. I thought that my bipolar symptoms were flaring up. I even called my doctor to help me. That was on Tuesday and he still has not called me back. I don’t care anymore that my doctor did not call back because I feel a lot better, but that does not say much about my doctor. That was really careless of him not to respond, but then again I know that his Mother is very ill in Venezuela and perhaps that is where he is, yet he should have an answering service for emergencies. Luckily I think now I did not have an emergency.  I feel a lot better and I even feel rejuvenated and that is a good feeling to finally have. I think what has helped is that I do have people I can talk to even though often I think I don’t. They are there and I say Amen to that for I would not know where I would be today if it were not for them. Well like I said before it all seems right where I am right now and may be it’s where I need to be. I also need to learn from it and  hope that it never happens again. I don’t think it will, but you never know and if does I will run for the hills as soon as I get an inkling that I will be in the same situation.  Now at 4:00 pm Eastern time I am going to listen to my Itunes (music) and rest something that had stopped doing for a little while because I felt so badly.