Love in my world currently is unrequited. I am in love with a man that I have been seeing for over 5 years. We have been lovers for all those years. He has had other relationships and so have I, but we always have managed to see each other in the interim. I know I am in love with him because when I am not around him I miss terribly all of him although, he is a man that is hard to figure out and very complex I still want him in my life. He is an artist and is quite moody. He is an intellectual too. He is easy to talk to when he is not angry. Oh and he is very handsome. During the time that I have been with him I have tried to get into other relationships with his urging, but I can’t seem to be able to do it because I am in love with him and can’t imagine being in another’s arms, but now I might have to turn to another. You see he might be in love with another woman or at least he thinks he is. She is quite young and I am sure not at his level of thinking, but yet he is enamored with the idea of spending time with her. I know this because he told me. As friend I gave him advice and even encouraged him to pursue her if that is his interest. The lover in me is crushed, annoyed, and hurt, but I think he does not know that. All I do know is think of him even more and worry that this time the relationship may work for him. Lately he does not look for me for anything and I know it’s because he is courting her. I am trying really hard not to contact him and today I am going into my 3rd day. I want to call him badly and did on Monday to ask if I left my ring there on one of my last visits. I was lying because I know I did not leave the ring there, but I found that excuse to call him. The call was well received but no plans were made to see each other again. That only confirms for me that he is content and does not need me around anymore. Like I said I am trying really hard to keep my dignity, but it’s been hard. All I want to do is beg him not to pursue this woman, but I can’t and I wont because I know that he does not love me and I don’t seem to interest him as a potential partner. This woman on the one hand is young pretty and even able to give him children, but on the other hand, is too young and not worldly enough for him. Again he is a very difficult man because he is very sensitive, complicated and not easy to figure out. I know this because I have spent a lot time with him and have seen all his sides. I also know the side of him that could be harsh and disdainful which is the side that most people I am sure would not tolerate the way I have. I don’t think this woman will either. Let’s just put it this way he is complicated all the way around and it takes a lot of love and patience to deal with him. I am doing it now dealing with him by not interfering with his choice to pursue another woman. I am trying like I said before to do it with dignity. I am keeping myself occupied and I am even going away for the weekend to try and forget for a little while what is happening between us. I know I won’t be able to do that entirely, but at least I am trying to and that will eventually pay off in the quest to forget him. Right now I am in love and no one can take away the love I feel for him. I will cherish every moment that I was able to spend with him and I know that if he asks me to I will return to him with no hesitation. In the mean time I have to sit with my feelings in the hopes that they will soon pass. Right now love in my world is surely unrequited and not even acknowledged at this time and that hurts.
I love this little girl so much. I have not seen her in a few months because of a misunderstanding with her Mother. Now I suffer for it because only get see her in pictures. I miss her and dislike the fact that I am missing important moments in her life; like her birthday. I did not think the argument reaction would last this long. I apologized the same day of the argument, but my sister in law did not acknowledge or accept the apology. Now I have to endure the pain of missing my niece.
I remember when I use to care for just about everything, but slowly but surely that has all changed. I no longer care for a lot of things. Now a days I only seem to care for my cat that I have had for 12 years. My Mom passed away in 2008, but that is another story about how I miss her.
Going back to not caring. The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and said to myself I don’t care about anything. I think the final thing that made me say that was when I got terminated from work. I still cant’ believe that it was done. Anyway what I have decided to do which coincides with my feeling of not caring is not work for awhile. I don’t want to work because I feel as if I am not worthy of having a job and that as a social worker I have failed. Because I got terminated from my last job I feel embarrassed and can’t seem to come up with the courage to find another job, so I don’t care about getting another job.
The other things that I don’t care about are the things I use to do. I use to crochet, keep a diary, dance, go the movies and kept busy doing constructive things, but in the last 10 years I don’t do any of those things. All I do is sit in front of the computer, but the one good thing that has come out of that is blogging through wordpress.
Finally, the last thing that I am afraid I don’t care about is people. It’s ironic I am a social worker and don’t care about people anymore. I literally have decided that I will not give my heart to anyone anymore and that I won’t get entangled in other peoples feelings about themselves or me. This frame of mind came to be after so many let downs by people that I use to care about.
I can’t even begin to describe how many times I have put all my energies into people and then they just either take me for granted or just walk out of my life with out a care. Don’t get me wrong I care in some level, but what I am trying to say is that I won’t show it anymore and won’t let myself become vulnerable in front anyone for a long time. It’s sad for me to feel this way, but it’s the way feel. It’s like life to me has become a burden. I am not having suicidal ideations I don’t think that way, but I am very disappointed in myself and what I have let myself become and that is someone who is totally jaded and has lost all hope.
I don’t think I am conveying my message clearly right now and I will in the future by being more descriptive and detailed about what I am trying to say about being non caring. But may be by revealing the fact that I am bipolar that can shed some light into my message. I will surely elaborate soon about what is making me so callous and uncaring.
It’s not a joke to be sitting in front of my computer and surfing the internet all day. I spend my days just doing that. Today I did manage to dust, but I did not do much else. I really need to reevaluate my life and make better decisions like doing something else besides sitting in front of the computer. I have so many things that I need to do. I need to study for my license exam, exercise, and meet with friends and family.
I am not a young girl anymore and I have to get some perspective. I need to prioritize and face my life challenges head on and not procrastinate to avoid them. I need to be again the woman that I know I am and that is driven and a go getter.
I know why I am acting like I have no responsibilities. It’s because I got terminated from work not too long ago. When I got terminated I was also handed a copy of my evaluation that was written by someone that was not even my supervisor. It was a vicious evaluation. I say vicious because the way she wrote it now makes me doubt my ability to be a social worker.
I know that what I am trying to do is hide from the world because of that treatment by my ex employer. I feel shot down by the termination and feel embarrassed, so because of that situation I have decided that for now I am going to stay home and sit in front of the computer for most of the day. It’s not a joke, but that is what I intend to do for a while.
Today woke up crying because I had a lot of nightmares last night. The nightmares usually occur when I eat before going to sleep. The nightmares were vivid and my deceased Mother appeared in most of the dreams. In the dreams she appeared angry at me and wanted to hurt me physically. I hated the dreams for that and that is why I cried today. I cried because I feel abandoned by my Mother and by most of the people in my life. I know deep down they would never abandon me, but since I am feeling sorry for my self it seems appropriate that they would. Today it seems like I finally comprehend where I am at in my life; lost job, dignity, and faith. I have lost those things because I don’t see and end to this. I know that I am contributing to this situation by not trying to help myself. I have decided these last couple of days to not do anything. I am in a slump and feel numb. I am really trying to understand and accept this situation and even learn from it, but all I am doing is feeling sorry for myself. I am not even reaching out to those who care because I don’t want to burden them with my thoughts that I will loose my apartment and everything that I have worked hard to attain. It’s a scary what I am feeling but I refuse to share it with those who care about me. I don’t think that they would understand and not only that I would be putting them on the spot to react in certain way. These feelings of abandonment will surely linger for I am prone to feel sad than happy. Surely these are all feelings of abandonment.
Feeling comfortably numb these days. I lost my job on April 23, 2010. Excuses; I lost it after having five supervisors. I felt during my time at that job that I was not being productive due to all the changes that kept arising on how to perform the job. I could not keep up and felt overwhelmed often. I tried daily to cut it and do my job, but most of the time it was impossible. I did finally become comfortable with my performance but it was too late and I got terminated. Today I spend most of my days on the computer. I am suppose to study for a license exam for Social Work, but I have not started. I did schedule study time for today at 3:00 p.m. I just hope I don’t find an excuse not to do it. As for feeling comfortably numb I say that because I have decided to just hide out in my apartment and try to feel and think as little as possible about my career and relationships. I think it’s just a defense mechanism for now. I don’t think I will stay this way for very long because I am driven and go after what I want in all aspects of my life. I say I won’t stay this way very long but unfortunately I don’t know when I will be able to pick myself and start to face my challenges. I know I will but when is the question. I feel really comfortable in this mode. For now I will stay this way; comfortably numb for an unknown period of time.