I’ am presently stuck because I can’t move away from my current life status. You see I am working as a case manager and not as a social worker at my current job. I don’t hate the job but it’s not my profession. I’ve tried to get a job as a social worker, but I’ve been unable to because like I have mentioned before I don’t have the license to practice. You see I failed the exam once again; this time by one fucking point. I can’t believe it. Now I have to take it again in the hopes that I pass it. I can’t move forward with out passing it, so I am stuck in the mean time. I am stuck as a case manager and can’t make enough money to pay my bills; especially my student’s loans. I am very depressed over this situation and can’t seem to get out it unless I pass the test is the only way. To add insult to injury; I am still stuck on my ex lover. He is awful even though he is still with his twenty nine year old girlfriend he still looks for me in the hopes that I will lay with him. I don’t get it. If he is so happy with this girl/child what is the problem why would he still reach out to me for sexual favors? Is it his ego or what. I don’t understand. When he reaches out I get illusions and think that he is going to break with her, but it has not happened yet. I know I am being stupid for even wanting him back, but I still love him, so I am letting my heart rule me. I know I must forget him and I know I will, but in the mean time I am horny and want him badly so he could quell those feelings. In addition, I am stuck regarding my social life. I don’t have very many friends and the ones I do have are not very supportive. When so call friend have I am convinced now that she is not a true friend and called me a crazy bitch then the next day tried to make a joke of it. I have not given her response to name calling and don’t intend to speak to her ever again. I will miss her but that is it. No more contact. That’s it! The only friend that I could count on moved to Florida recently. So in the mean time I am stuck with no real friends. It’s my fault that I don’t have more friends. I don’t have many because I don’t really go out. I really don’t want too even though I live in New York City where there is so much to do. So in the mean time I am stuck with all this bullshit and no good friends. I know I have to put more effort to change my situation, but I am so stuck that I don’t have the energy to even start. I feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I have tried to pray and supplicate to God to help me, but it’s falling on death ears. Which makes me feel empty and have doubts that God even exist. I intend to write in the future about those thoughts and doubts about God. On that note I will continue to cry every chance I get and remain stuck until I can muster the energy to get unstuck.
Lately I’ve been so horny that I don’t know what to do with myself. I get horny at work, supermarket and of course when I am trying to sleep. I am 48 years and I am at my peek and that could be it. However, the feeling becomes so very intense when I do that I think people know. I try to calm myself down with playing with myself but it does not help. All I want to do really is have sex. I no longer have a boyfriend so I have to deal with this feeling alone. I don’t want to pick up someone or date men I don’t like just to get laid. That is not my style. I generally believe that I need to be attracted to the person or better yet in love. By writing this little snippet of what is going on my life helps distract me of my horniness. Lol ! I wish my body would stop craving for a bit so I can find someone to fall in love with and have sex and of course make love.
Of course it has not been that long since we separated, so I still miss him. I saw him briefly on July 16, 2010 on the day of his birthday to tie up some loose ends. I tried to be calm and I think I was, but I still reached out and touched him and even kissed his cheek. I miss doing that and wanted to be with him, but he has someone new in his life and I could not even image being with him in a sexual manner knowing that he has been with someone else. I am so jealous these days of her because she has access to him and I do not anymore. I guess that down the road I can call him for a brief chat, but I don’t even want to do that because it will hurt too much when the conversation ends and he will say good bye. In the mean time what has been happening to me at all kinds of hours is that I get excited because I miss him. My body starts to ache for his touch. What I do to quell those feelings are numerous things; clean, bathe, or just lay down. Sometimes all that works but most often than not I just have to wait for the feeling to pass. It’s obvious that for some time I will have those sexual feelings for him. He might not ever know this, but I have decided for today that he will be the last man that I will ever have a relationship with. I decided that because I don’t think I can bare having another man touch me in any manner. I don’t think I could stand that. I have had many lovers, but he is the one that took my heart and has not given it back. The proof of that is a man that has been trying to change my mind about giving my body and heart to him, but I refuse and will not give myself to anyone like I said before for sometime. I would of course like it to be forever, but forever is a long time and I don’t know what the future holds.I been contemplating this idea for a long time and that is and have looked into it already. It may also seem juvenile that I want a chinese symbol tattoo of his name on the small of my back. I love the idea because for one I have always wanted to do it and because if I do the mark will mean to me that I was dedicated to the relationship and it meant a lot to me. I want to hold the relationship memories dear and the tattoo will help with that. Plus to me it will also mean a life battle scar. A scare that will be visible for others to see and for me to cherish. Again it may seem juvenile, but that is what I am planning to do in the near future. Finally, today Sunday July 18, 2010 I had plans to go the beach, but decided against it because I don’t want to go out doors alone because I feel vulnerable and will start to feel sorry for myself because I feel lonely. I would ask a friend to go with me, but most of my friends are either in church or have other plans so I will just stay home and find things to do.
Today I keep telling myself the facts about the relationship. The facts are that he told me the truth from the beginning; that he did not want to have a serious relationship. I thought I understood that and tried to accept it when he told me, but when the relationship continued my mind changed and I had hope that he would change his mind and take me seriously. I started to have hope because during the times we spent together most of the time he was sweet and caring, but I also have to remember that often we fought and the meeting turned sour because he got upset with himself and reported to me that he felt guilty about seeing me. He said he felt guilty because he was not having a constructive relationship with me. I often said to that; I don’t care and can handle this situation and the reality of it. What I said often seemed to eased his guilt so I thought. We continued this way for five years. Like I mentioned before my mind just kept entertain the idea that he would change his mind about me, but he has not and proof of that is that he ended the relationship with me a couple of weeks ago for a much younger woman. He was honest from the start when he made his decision to start dating her. He told me he was interested in another woman, but that he was ambivalent about pursuing her because of her age and other factors, but me like an idiot said to him that if he was pinning for her that he should pursue her especially if he suspected that she was interested in him. I also said that he will always wonder if he did not pursue her and that his fantasies of her will grow and he may not be able to contain himself. He was surprised that I actually encouraged him and had extensive conversations about his feelings about her. I did not realize then what I was doing. I just thought I was being a friend and helping decipher his feelings about the woman. All of a sudden I noticed that his pattern for seeing me changed abruptly and that he stopped contacting me, so that is when I began to worry and felt rejected. I became agitated and told him so. I even said to him not to talk to me about her anymore especially if he was going to pursue her. He said fine and asked me not to contact him anymore. That was the hardest thing that I had to accept. That he no longer wanted to have any contact with me. I became terrified after that news and could not imagine not seeing him anymore. You see I thought of his home as my refuge from the world and often could not wait to visit him, so I could feel safe. He completely ended that at the drop of a hat. He cut me off without real warning in my mind. It’s been more than two weeks that I have not see him . I have had contact with him via text and the phone, but it’s only to quarrel. The fact is that he made his decision and I have to accept it and so far all I do is cry over it. I cry mostly because I miss him, but also cry because I managed to fool myself into believing that maybe one day he would change his mind and look at me as a potential partner. That is not what has happened obviously and I have to accept it. These are the facts and I have to keep trying to accept it. I have to accept this because he has proven to me that I am no longer a part of his life. I am trying to believe it and I cant’ so I am being going over the facts and trying to digest them and not let my fantasies of getting back together get the best of me. I must let go once and for all. So here I sit trying to accept the facts and forget my love.
The letter that I will never send
I will never forget my many taxi cab rides to your apartment. Usually when I took those rides I was filled with excitement and could not wait to see you. It will also be difficult to forget because I use to think of your home as my refuge from the world. I felt so comfortable there and never want to leave when I am there. Your company meant a lot to me. I tried this weekend to accept your decision not see me anymore. I have even put words in your mouth so I can convince myself that you truly mean it. It’s going to take sometime to get use to not seeing you. Now I have to keep very busy in order to block out my intense desire to see you again. I have spoken to you in the interim of me feeling lousy and you sound good and determined to keep your decision of separating from me. Anyway I will end this letter for now and will soon write you again. Remember that I will never forget you and the times we spent together.
I wanted to believe that he at least cared. We been seeing each other for over five years now. Now he has decided to extricate himself from me. I can’t believe that it is happening because I did not see it coming. I know he started saying that he met someone that has captured his attention. At first I thought that it was not a big deal because she is not even close to our age. She is much younger. I thought that may be he would forget it, but he has not on the contrary he has decided to court her. Now I am in disbelief and find myself unable to accept it. I cry constantly and feel helpless. I know at first we had a cordial conversations about it. I allowed that because I thought nothing of it. What has happened now is that this is a reality and because of it I have become insanely jealous and can’t even stand the thought of a woman that I have never met. She seems to have captured his heart in little time something that I have been unable to do with years of time. I feel so rejected and have tried to have a conversation with him about it, but he won’t allow it. He keeps telling me that he does not want to talk now and hangs up the phone. I feel now as if we never spent time together and that I never made an impact in his life. I know from our past quarrels that he could be insensitive and often does not comprehend why I get angry and feel misunderstood. What confirms that was yesterday when we argued and shouted until late evening as a result of all the quarreling the last time we spoke he said in a tone that I have never heard before to stop calling him. That tone in his voice is still in my head and I could still hear it today. The tone in his voice sounded to me like hate and disdain towards me. I finally once I heard him that way it made me realize that he does not care for me, but in spite of it all, incredibly I started today in a more peaceful mode because I know I must move on finally and let him go. I know this because I have tried with all my might to get him to hear me and see that I love him, but he has decided that he won’t accept my cries. That only proves to me the obvious and that is that he does not care as a result, today I will try to put it all behind me and like I said before I will move on with my life. All I have ever wanted to believe is that he cares.
Love in my world currently is unrequited. I am in love with a man that I have been seeing for over 5 years. We have been lovers for all those years. He has had other relationships and so have I, but we always have managed to see each other in the interim. I know I am in love with him because when I am not around him I miss terribly all of him although, he is a man that is hard to figure out and very complex I still want him in my life. He is an artist and is quite moody. He is an intellectual too. He is easy to talk to when he is not angry. Oh and he is very handsome. During the time that I have been with him I have tried to get into other relationships with his urging, but I can’t seem to be able to do it because I am in love with him and can’t imagine being in another’s arms, but now I might have to turn to another. You see he might be in love with another woman or at least he thinks he is. She is quite young and I am sure not at his level of thinking, but yet he is enamored with the idea of spending time with her. I know this because he told me. As friend I gave him advice and even encouraged him to pursue her if that is his interest. The lover in me is crushed, annoyed, and hurt, but I think he does not know that. All I do know is think of him even more and worry that this time the relationship may work for him. Lately he does not look for me for anything and I know it’s because he is courting her. I am trying really hard not to contact him and today I am going into my 3rd day. I want to call him badly and did on Monday to ask if I left my ring there on one of my last visits. I was lying because I know I did not leave the ring there, but I found that excuse to call him. The call was well received but no plans were made to see each other again. That only confirms for me that he is content and does not need me around anymore. Like I said I am trying really hard to keep my dignity, but it’s been hard. All I want to do is beg him not to pursue this woman, but I can’t and I wont because I know that he does not love me and I don’t seem to interest him as a potential partner. This woman on the one hand is young pretty and even able to give him children, but on the other hand, is too young and not worldly enough for him. Again he is a very difficult man because he is very sensitive, complicated and not easy to figure out. I know this because I have spent a lot time with him and have seen all his sides. I also know the side of him that could be harsh and disdainful which is the side that most people I am sure would not tolerate the way I have. I don’t think this woman will either. Let’s just put it this way he is complicated all the way around and it takes a lot of love and patience to deal with him. I am doing it now dealing with him by not interfering with his choice to pursue another woman. I am trying like I said before to do it with dignity. I am keeping myself occupied and I am even going away for the weekend to try and forget for a little while what is happening between us. I know I won’t be able to do that entirely, but at least I am trying to and that will eventually pay off in the quest to forget him. Right now I am in love and no one can take away the love I feel for him. I will cherish every moment that I was able to spend with him and I know that if he asks me to I will return to him with no hesitation. In the mean time I have to sit with my feelings in the hopes that they will soon pass. Right now love in my world is surely unrequited and not even acknowledged at this time and that hurts.