Today is Christmas eve and I feel ok. I will not be giving gifts because I cannot afford too. I have three nieces that I would like to give gifts too but can’t. Hopefully next year I will be able to. Today I have plans to spend the early part of the day with a friend. Then I plan to stay home alone. That’s no problem I prefer it that way. I always have. New years eve I plan to do the same thing. Today I actually feel pretty good and don’t want to complain, so all I will say is have a Merry Christmas.
Today I tell myself that I have to accept this reality that is my life.
- My friends are only around during happy times.
- That I could no longer count on my Mother for support.
- That I cannot turn to anybody if I have monetary needs.
- That the man that I love does not even want to talk to me.
Those realities that I have come to believe are my life are making me angry, bitter and most of all sad. Because of those feelings I am not sleeping properly nor eating right. I am smoking about a pack a day of cigarettes.
Today I feel shut out from the world and don’t see or know anybody that could comfort me. I lighted a candle yesterday and prayed that by the time the candle burns that most of my pain will subside. Currently my mind is clear and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what is happening in my life I have contributed to. For instance, the man that I love does not want to talk to me because I would not stop calling at all times. He said that I was harassing him and that I was making him very uncomfortable. He also said that if my behavior continues that he was going to take steps that could damage my reputation. I finally get it that his message is that he does not want to hear from me anymore. I take some responsibility for my position in his life now, but at the same I can’t believe that he has decided to treat me that way. I say that because I treated him well and in turn he has giving me his back. I can’t turn to him for anything now. I feel betrayed by him and often wonder weather the times we shared that included eating meals together, watching t.v. and of course making love meant anything to him. I think that it did not. I know because he would turn on me for any little thing; a comment or even asking for a hug. He often belittled me and yelled and called me names. I have always forgiven him for that and every time he asked me to see him again I would and never hesitated . Now three weeks later he has confirmed everything that I think I already knew deep down and that is that he does not care for me. I have come to the understanding that although I put every effort to change his feelings I failed at it. I should not be surprised because he said it from the start that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I chose to stay after the statement in spite of it. I figured that I could be satisfied with him seeing me from time to time and it was worth to me because most of the times were pleasurable. So today because I am not working I have all this time in my hands to think and try to change my mindset and get my act together with out him. He has moved on in this short time that we have been apart and is even dating someone.
As for my friends I think that they are tired of the same story about me and this man. So I have to accept that and think about how often they told me that the relationship was no good. I have to respect the fact that people do get tired if one does not take constructive advice. They have tried to tell me over and over again that it’s not good relationship. That can only prove that I do have friends that care it’s just that what I want is to be indulged and for them to assuage my feelings. That makes selfish and self centered. Now I feel a little better after writing. Finally, writing has always help me and I have many diaries as proof. For now I will have to sit with my feelings get with the program and keep it moving for life is too short to dwell on the haves and have nots and that is reality. In addition, my Mother died in 2008 and she was my best friend.