Today I tell myself that I have to accept this reality that is my life.
My friends are only around during happy times.
That I could no longer count on my Mother for support.
That I cannot turn to anybody if I have monetary needs.
That the man that I love does not even want to talk to me.
Those realities that I have come to believe are my life are making me angry, bitter and most of all sad. Because of those feelings I am not sleeping properly nor eating right. I am smoking about a pack a day of cigarettes.
Today I feel shut out from the world and don’t see or know anybody that could comfort me. I lighted a candle yesterday and prayed that by the time the candle burns that most of my pain will subside. Currently my mind is clear and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what is happening in my life I have contributed to. For instance, the man that I love does not want to talk to me because I would not stop calling at all times. He said that I was harassing him and that I was making him very uncomfortable. He also said that if my behavior continues that he was going to take steps that could damage my reputation. I finally get it that his message is that he does not want to hear from me anymore. I take some responsibility for my position in his life now, but at the same I can’t believe that he has decided to treat me that way. I say that because I treated him well and in turn he has giving me his back. I can’t turn to him for anything now. I feel betrayed by him and often wonder weather the times we shared that included eating meals together, watching t.v. and of course making love meant anything to him. I think that it did not. I know because he would turn on me for any little thing; a comment or even asking for a hug. He often belittled me and yelled and called me names. I have always forgiven him for that and every time he asked me to see him again I would and never hesitated . Now three weeks later he has confirmed everything that I think I already knew deep down and that is that he does not care for me. I have come to the understanding that although I put every effort to change his feelings I failed at it. I should not be surprised because he said it from the start that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I chose to stay after the statement in spite of it. I figured that I could be satisfied with him seeing me from time to time and it was worth to me because most of the times were pleasurable. So today because I am not working I have all this time in my hands to think and try to change my mindset and get my act together with out him. He has moved on in this short time that we have been apart and is even dating someone.
As for my friends I think that they are tired of the same story about me and this man. So I have to accept that and think about how often they told me that the relationship was no good. I have to respect the fact that people do get tired if one does not take constructive advice. They have tried to tell me over and over again that it’s not good relationship. That can only prove that I do have friends that care it’s just that what I want is to be indulged and for them to assuage my feelings. That makes selfish and self centered. Now I feel a little better after writing. Finally, writing has always help me and I have many diaries as proof. For now I will have to sit with my feelings get with the program and keep it moving for life is too short to dwell on the haves and have nots and that is reality. In addition, my Mother died in 2008 and she was my best friend.
Love in my world currently is unrequited. I am in love with a man that I have been seeing for over 5 years. We have been lovers for all those years. He has had other relationships and so have I, but we always have managed to see each other in the interim. I know I am in love with him because when I am not around him I miss terribly all of him although, he is a man that is hard to figure out and very complex I still want him in my life. He is an artist and is quite moody. He is an intellectual too. He is easy to talk to when he is not angry. Oh and he is very handsome. During the time that I have been with him I have tried to get into other relationships with his urging, but I can’t seem to be able to do it because I am in love with him and can’t imagine being in another’s arms, but now I might have to turn to another. You see he might be in love with another woman or at least he thinks he is. She is quite young and I am sure not at his level of thinking, but yet he is enamored with the idea of spending time with her. I know this because he told me. As friend I gave him advice and even encouraged him to pursue her if that is his interest. The lover in me is crushed, annoyed, and hurt, but I think he does not know that. All I do know is think of him even more and worry that this time the relationship may work for him. Lately he does not look for me for anything and I know it’s because he is courting her. I am trying really hard not to contact him and today I am going into my 3rd day. I want to call him badly and did on Monday to ask if I left my ring there on one of my last visits. I was lying because I know I did not leave the ring there, but I found that excuse to call him. The call was well received but no plans were made to see each other again. That only confirms for me that he is content and does not need me around anymore. Like I said I am trying really hard to keep my dignity, but it’s been hard. All I want to do is beg him not to pursue this woman, but I can’t and I wont because I know that he does not love me and I don’t seem to interest him as a potential partner. This woman on the one hand is young pretty and even able to give him children, but on the other hand, is too young and not worldly enough for him. Again he is a very difficult man because he is very sensitive, complicated and not easy to figure out. I know this because I have spent a lot time with him and have seen all his sides. I also know the side of him that could be harsh and disdainful which is the side that most people I am sure would not tolerate the way I have. I don’t think this woman will either. Let’s just put it this way he is complicated all the way around and it takes a lot of love and patience to deal with him. I am doing it now dealing with him by not interfering with his choice to pursue another woman. I am trying like I said before to do it with dignity. I am keeping myself occupied and I am even going away for the weekend to try and forget for a little while what is happening between us. I know I won’t be able to do that entirely, but at least I am trying to and that will eventually pay off in the quest to forget him. Right now I am in love and no one can take away the love I feel for him. I will cherish every moment that I was able to spend with him and I know that if he asks me to I will return to him with no hesitation. In the mean time I have to sit with my feelings in the hopes that they will soon pass. Right now love in my world is surely unrequited and not even acknowledged at this time and that hurts.