Trying To Accept The Facts

Route to get to my refuge

Today I keep telling myself the facts about the relationship. The facts are that he told me the truth from the beginning; that he did not want to have a serious relationship. I thought I understood that and tried to accept it when he told me, but when the relationship continued my mind changed and I had hope that he would change his mind and take me seriously. I started to have hope because during the times we spent together most of the time he was sweet and caring, but I also have to remember that often we fought and the meeting turned sour because he got upset with himself and reported to me that he felt guilty about seeing me. He said he felt guilty because he was not having a constructive relationship with me. I often said to that; I don’t care and can handle this situation and the reality of it. What I said often seemed to eased his guilt so I thought. We continued this way for five years. Like I mentioned before my mind just kept entertain the idea that he would change his mind about me, but he has not and proof of that is that he ended the relationship with me a couple of weeks ago for a much younger woman. He was honest from the start when he made his decision to start dating her. He told me he was interested in another woman, but that he was ambivalent about pursuing her because of her age and other factors, but me like an idiot said to him that if he was pinning for her that he should pursue her especially if he suspected that she was interested in him. I also said that he will always wonder if he did not pursue her and that his fantasies of her will grow and he may not be able to contain himself. He was surprised that I actually encouraged him and had extensive conversations about his feelings about her. I did not realize then what I was doing. I just thought I was being a friend and helping decipher his feelings about the woman. All of a sudden I noticed that his pattern for seeing me changed abruptly and that he stopped contacting me, so that is when I began to worry and felt rejected. I became agitated and told him so. I even said to him not to talk to me about her anymore especially if he was going to pursue her. He said fine and asked me not to contact him anymore. That was the hardest thing that I had to accept. That he no longer wanted to have any contact with me.  I became terrified after that news and could not imagine not seeing him anymore. You see I thought of his home as my refuge from the world and often could not wait to visit him, so I could feel safe. He completely ended that at the drop of a hat. He cut me off without real warning in my mind. It’s been more than two weeks that I have not see him . I have had contact with him via text and the phone, but it’s only to quarrel.  The fact is that he made his decision and I have to accept it and so far all I do is cry over it. I cry mostly because I miss him, but also cry because I managed to fool myself into believing that maybe one day he would change his mind and look at me as a potential partner. That is not what has happened obviously and I have to accept it.  These are the facts and I have to keep trying to accept it. I have to accept this because he has proven to me that I am no longer a part of his life. I am trying to believe it and I cant’ so I am being going over the facts and trying to digest them and not let my fantasies of getting back together get the best of me. I must let go once and for all. So here I sit trying to accept the facts and forget my love.

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