I am still strung out on him. I miss him dearly it’s been seven months now that we are no longer together. I miss touching him and kissing his lips. In fact I miss kissing him all over. I know that it’s over and that it will never be the way it was. Even if we meet again it will never be the way it was. I think about that and I get angry and sad. However, I’ve decided that because I suffered so much with longing for him that for a very long time I will not get involved with anyone else. I want to do that because I need to forget him completely before I can let someone else in. I need to heal and truly forget him. I still think of him and wish that were together again, yet I know and hate to accept that its not happening not now and not ever. For now I will savor my memories of him for he can’t take the love away that I feel for him.
I’ve posted this blog to show support and show love to the LGBT community. In my post you will find stories, videos and information regarding the LGBT community.
All I have to say it ain’t right that lesbians, gay, bisexuals and transgenders people have to be scrutinized for being who they are. It’s prejudice. These people have a hard enough time dealing with their sexuality and they don’t need us to judge them. So don’t judge. Let them be. We all have the same rights. No one has more rights than the other. So shut the fuck up if you are prejudiced against this group of people. In my dedication I post several videos one from The It Gets Better Project and by Gylne Tider Let it Be. I also have posted information on websites that provide support and some that do not support; organizations, government that currently does not support same sex marriage or the serving in the military if your are openly gay.
Harvey Milk was a civil rights advocate and was killed for it.
Harvey Milk as a Child
Harvey was born in New York.
This is Harvey on his horse around the time he was in first grade.
Harvey Milk with his Parents
This is Harvey with his parents. His mother’s name was Minerva and his father’s name was William. They were from Russia. They moved to New York before Harvey was born.
Harvey Moves to San Francicso
When Harvey was an adult, he moved to San Francisco. This picture shows Harvey in the Gay Pride Parade with some of his friends.
Harvey believed that all people should be respected. He wanted to make San Francisco a safe place for everyone. So he decided to run for Supervisor.
Harvey worked hard to get elected. He used this bullhorn to speak to crowds.
This bullhorn is on display at our school.
Harvey Gets Elected
The first two times Harvey tried he lost. But in 1976 he won. Many people were excited! This picture shows Harvey right after he was elected.
Harvey with the Mayor
This is Harvey with Mayor George Moscone. They worked together at City Hall.
What Happened to Harvey?
This is Dan White. He didn’t like Harvey. They worked together, but they didn’t always agree. One day Dan White got very angry. He got a gun and killed Harvey and the Mayor.
We Remember Harvey
Every year, many people light candles to remember Harvey. They remember the good things that he did. They also remember the terrible thing that happened to Harvey and the Mayor, George Moscone.
LGBT (also GLBT) and variations are initialisms used to refer collectively to lesbian, gay,bisexual, transgender, and queer-identified people. Variations that are sometimes used include—but are not limited to—adding “Q” for queer or questioning, “I” for intersex, or “S” (or “A”) forstraight allies. While LGBT is often used as a short way to refer to the various LGBT demographic groups, LGBT individuals themselves usually identify by other labels (such as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer), or by no label at all.
Around the world, government policies regarding LGBT people range from the death penalty for sexual acts to civil marriages or partnerships for same-sex couples. Living conditions around the world also range from near-unanimous acceptance of public displays of affection to total discrimination in all areas such as housing or employment.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse.
U.S. president Jimmy Carter with Andy Warhol in 1977. Warhol was famous worldwide for his work as a painter, an avant-garde filmmaker, a record producer, an author and a public figure. He was one of the first major U.S. artists to be open about being gay.
Currently, 2000 official photos have been taken and 1400 photos have been submitted by supporters. Some photographers and student groups have even set up their own photoshoots. The campaign photos have circulated on the internet and are appearing on many supporter’s social networking profiles, mostly gays and lesbians from the Los Angelesarea.
Things have changed a bit. I am now working as a case manager for a cancer care organization. I am over qualified for the position, but I took the job because I am running out of unemployment and could not find another job under my profession; social work due to my licensing issues. I feel like a total looser. I can’t believe this is happening to me; did not pass the license exam. I plan to rectify that in January 2011. I hope that I pass it then. If I do pass a lot of doors will open for me career wise and I am looking forward to that. As for being a looser I continue to be one by not studying yet. I plan it, but don’t do it. It’s amazing to me how I could be so careless knowing that my lively hood depends on passing this important exam. I can’t figure out why I am doing this. I know that I must study, but I have not started to get serious about it. I will. I hope. As for my love life it’s the same. The man that I love is still with the 29 year old woman. Until the other day he and I were arguing about still contacting him. He does it first I follow up and he gets angry. He is a mess that way. Now we are in speaking terms again until the next fight. For now I am not dating and don’t intend to. Although, I feel incredibly horny I don’t want to date because I am simply not in the mood to let another man in my life. I feel that way because I still have not gotten over my past relationship and feel very wary about ever having another one. Anyway for now I plan to think about doing the right things regarding my career and my love life and hopefully soon I will take the actions that I need to take.
I am afraid because I finally took the licensing exam for social work, but failed it by 9 points. I am disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I failed by little points. Now I find myself in the position to study all over again and waiting until I am licensed before I can get a job. No one will hire me with out the license. I am really scared about that because my unemployment is running out and because I can’t finance the test. I hear that I can get an extension on the unemployment benefits, but I am not sure about that. I will look into it in the hopes that I qualify for one. Today everything that is happening in my life is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I also still pine for my ex lover and he does not help the situation by contacting me and eluding that he wants to spend some time with me. I am nervous that I will give in and see him. He is still with his 29 year old girlfriend who obviously is not making him happy. I know what to do and that is stay away from him, but another part of me wants to go see him, so I can forget some of my problems for a little while. I consider his home my sanctuary and I miss the escaping there. Anyway I hope I get passed all of this. Meanwhile I will listen to music : (
Trying to keep things in perspective even though my whole world has fallen apart. I have no job, I lost my lover, and my family barely speaks to me. Right now I wonder what karma I am paying for and what have I done to deserve all of this. My lover left me for a twenty nine year old he is forty seven. My family won’t speak to me because I criticized their choice of a baby sitter; a seventeen year old male taking care of a one year old girl. As far as my lover is concerned I have wished him well and pray for his happiness, but right now I miss him terribly and just want to be with him. As for my family I felt the loss this weekend when I spent the 4th of July weekend alone. The whole weekend I cried and can’t count the times that I curled up into the fetal position. I am hurting really badly, so much so that sometimes I get scared that I am getting sick mentally. I am bipolar and my symptoms could flare up when I get too emotional. Lately I have been hearing voices. I wanted to tell my doctor but he was away when I went to my appointment. His secretary gave me my prescriptions and now I have to wait until next month unless I call and say I have an emergency. I don’t want to do that yet. My pride and my will power will not let me make that statement, so I am going to try to get calm and keep things in perspective. Today I reached out to my ex-lover, but I thought he was not taking my calls, so I became frantic and kept calling until he did answer, but all I got from his end was anger because I called him way too often today. He basically said go outside and get a grip, are you drunk?, and go speak to someone else. He was cruel to say all those things and while he was I yelled that I need a friend and hung up on him. After that I stayed in bed for a while and wrote to him via text everything I needed to say in the hopes that he reads it. Again I am bipolar and won’t quit because I ruminate and get obsessed about things. Now that I think I said everything I had to say and reached out in vain. I have decided to do in this sweltering weather here in New York is wait to finish my last cigarette and then go outside to the store to get more. I would like to add that I do have one good friend and as it turns out is a minister. She is very caring and good to me, but she is in Florida right now and I don’t want to bother her during her trip with my problems, so in the mean time I have chosen to write on wordpress because it really helps me in trying to keep things in perspective.
Today I tell myself that I have to accept this reality that is my life.
My friends are only around during happy times.
That I could no longer count on my Mother for support.
That I cannot turn to anybody if I have monetary needs.
That the man that I love does not even want to talk to me.
Those realities that I have come to believe are my life are making me angry, bitter and most of all sad. Because of those feelings I am not sleeping properly nor eating right. I am smoking about a pack a day of cigarettes.
Today I feel shut out from the world and don’t see or know anybody that could comfort me. I lighted a candle yesterday and prayed that by the time the candle burns that most of my pain will subside. Currently my mind is clear and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what is happening in my life I have contributed to. For instance, the man that I love does not want to talk to me because I would not stop calling at all times. He said that I was harassing him and that I was making him very uncomfortable. He also said that if my behavior continues that he was going to take steps that could damage my reputation. I finally get it that his message is that he does not want to hear from me anymore. I take some responsibility for my position in his life now, but at the same I can’t believe that he has decided to treat me that way. I say that because I treated him well and in turn he has giving me his back. I can’t turn to him for anything now. I feel betrayed by him and often wonder weather the times we shared that included eating meals together, watching t.v. and of course making love meant anything to him. I think that it did not. I know because he would turn on me for any little thing; a comment or even asking for a hug. He often belittled me and yelled and called me names. I have always forgiven him for that and every time he asked me to see him again I would and never hesitated . Now three weeks later he has confirmed everything that I think I already knew deep down and that is that he does not care for me. I have come to the understanding that although I put every effort to change his feelings I failed at it. I should not be surprised because he said it from the start that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I chose to stay after the statement in spite of it. I figured that I could be satisfied with him seeing me from time to time and it was worth to me because most of the times were pleasurable. So today because I am not working I have all this time in my hands to think and try to change my mindset and get my act together with out him. He has moved on in this short time that we have been apart and is even dating someone.
As for my friends I think that they are tired of the same story about me and this man. So I have to accept that and think about how often they told me that the relationship was no good. I have to respect the fact that people do get tired if one does not take constructive advice. They have tried to tell me over and over again that it’s not good relationship. That can only prove that I do have friends that care it’s just that what I want is to be indulged and for them to assuage my feelings. That makes selfish and self centered. Now I feel a little better after writing. Finally, writing has always help me and I have many diaries as proof. For now I will have to sit with my feelings get with the program and keep it moving for life is too short to dwell on the haves and have nots and that is reality. In addition, my Mother died in 2008 and she was my best friend.
Today I keep telling myself the facts about the relationship. The facts are that he told me the truth from the beginning; that he did not want to have a serious relationship. I thought I understood that and tried to accept it when he told me, but when the relationship continued my mind changed and I had hope that he would change his mind and take me seriously. I started to have hope because during the times we spent together most of the time he was sweet and caring, but I also have to remember that often we fought and the meeting turned sour because he got upset with himself and reported to me that he felt guilty about seeing me. He said he felt guilty because he was not having a constructive relationship with me. I often said to that; I don’t care and can handle this situation and the reality of it. What I said often seemed to eased his guilt so I thought. We continued this way for five years. Like I mentioned before my mind just kept entertain the idea that he would change his mind about me, but he has not and proof of that is that he ended the relationship with me a couple of weeks ago for a much younger woman. He was honest from the start when he made his decision to start dating her. He told me he was interested in another woman, but that he was ambivalent about pursuing her because of her age and other factors, but me like an idiot said to him that if he was pinning for her that he should pursue her especially if he suspected that she was interested in him. I also said that he will always wonder if he did not pursue her and that his fantasies of her will grow and he may not be able to contain himself. He was surprised that I actually encouraged him and had extensive conversations about his feelings about her. I did not realize then what I was doing. I just thought I was being a friend and helping decipher his feelings about the woman. All of a sudden I noticed that his pattern for seeing me changed abruptly and that he stopped contacting me, so that is when I began to worry and felt rejected. I became agitated and told him so. I even said to him not to talk to me about her anymore especially if he was going to pursue her. He said fine and asked me not to contact him anymore. That was the hardest thing that I had to accept. That he no longer wanted to have any contact with me. I became terrified after that news and could not imagine not seeing him anymore. You see I thought of his home as my refuge from the world and often could not wait to visit him, so I could feel safe. He completely ended that at the drop of a hat. He cut me off without real warning in my mind. It’s been more than two weeks that I have not see him . I have had contact with him via text and the phone, but it’s only to quarrel. The fact is that he made his decision and I have to accept it and so far all I do is cry over it. I cry mostly because I miss him, but also cry because I managed to fool myself into believing that maybe one day he would change his mind and look at me as a potential partner. That is not what has happened obviously and I have to accept it. These are the facts and I have to keep trying to accept it. I have to accept this because he has proven to me that I am no longer a part of his life. I am trying to believe it and I cant’ so I am being going over the facts and trying to digest them and not let my fantasies of getting back together get the best of me. I must let go once and for all. So here I sit trying to accept the facts and forget my love.