I feel like I am loosing ground because I can’t find a job, feel lost, and lonely. I am trying really hard to change all that, but it’s been so difficult. For one I thought that by getting my license for social work would mean that I would find employers knocking on my door, but it has not been that way. I can’t find a job. I have prospects but they are not happening fast enough for me. As for two feeling lost I guess it has a lot to do with number one. I feel like I don’t have my feet on the ground and that I am just flying all over the place. I feel aimless. For number three I’ve been feeling lonely for a long time. I live alone and at night it really kicks my ass to be alone. The loneliness also kicks in the morning when I wake up to my reality. I start crying like a baby most days and it’s so hard to snap out of it. I know that if someone were around I would not feel the pain I feel so deeply. Well I must say that as long as I am trying I will be alright. May be by saying I am loosing ground could be too much. I should may be say I am unsteady instead.
Lately I’ve been feeling lonely. I don’t have much to say except that things have changed somewhat. I feel a little more secure, but the feeling of loneliness consumes me. I try to quell it with the spirits but it does not help. I try to stay occupied by hanging out with friends or playing with the computer, but nothing is helping. In the mean time I will just have to try and ignore the feeling and surely it should pass.
Love in my world currently is unrequited. I am in love with a man that I have been seeing for over 5 years. We have been lovers for all those years. He has had other relationships and so have I, but we always have managed to see each other in the interim. I know I am in love with him because when I am not around him I miss terribly all of him although, he is a man that is hard to figure out and very complex I still want him in my life. He is an artist and is quite moody. He is an intellectual too. He is easy to talk to when he is not angry. Oh and he is very handsome. During the time that I have been with him I have tried to get into other relationships with his urging, but I can’t seem to be able to do it because I am in love with him and can’t imagine being in another’s arms, but now I might have to turn to another. You see he might be in love with another woman or at least he thinks he is. She is quite young and I am sure not at his level of thinking, but yet he is enamored with the idea of spending time with her. I know this because he told me. As friend I gave him advice and even encouraged him to pursue her if that is his interest. The lover in me is crushed, annoyed, and hurt, but I think he does not know that. All I do know is think of him even more and worry that this time the relationship may work for him. Lately he does not look for me for anything and I know it’s because he is courting her. I am trying really hard not to contact him and today I am going into my 3rd day. I want to call him badly and did on Monday to ask if I left my ring there on one of my last visits. I was lying because I know I did not leave the ring there, but I found that excuse to call him. The call was well received but no plans were made to see each other again. That only confirms for me that he is content and does not need me around anymore. Like I said I am trying really hard to keep my dignity, but it’s been hard. All I want to do is beg him not to pursue this woman, but I can’t and I wont because I know that he does not love me and I don’t seem to interest him as a potential partner. This woman on the one hand is young pretty and even able to give him children, but on the other hand, is too young and not worldly enough for him. Again he is a very difficult man because he is very sensitive, complicated and not easy to figure out. I know this because I have spent a lot time with him and have seen all his sides. I also know the side of him that could be harsh and disdainful which is the side that most people I am sure would not tolerate the way I have. I don’t think this woman will either. Let’s just put it this way he is complicated all the way around and it takes a lot of love and patience to deal with him. I am doing it now dealing with him by not interfering with his choice to pursue another woman. I am trying like I said before to do it with dignity. I am keeping myself occupied and I am even going away for the weekend to try and forget for a little while what is happening between us. I know I won’t be able to do that entirely, but at least I am trying to and that will eventually pay off in the quest to forget him. Right now I am in love and no one can take away the love I feel for him. I will cherish every moment that I was able to spend with him and I know that if he asks me to I will return to him with no hesitation. In the mean time I have to sit with my feelings in the hopes that they will soon pass. Right now love in my world is surely unrequited and not even acknowledged at this time and that hurts.