Lately I’ve been feeling lonely. I don’t have much to say except that things have changed somewhat. I feel a little more secure, but the feeling of loneliness consumes me. I try to quell it with the spirits but it does not help. I try to stay occupied by hanging out with friends or playing with the computer, but nothing is helping. In the mean time I will just have to try and ignore the feeling and surely it should pass.
On Monday I start a new job near my apartment. I am not looking forward to it because I have been off for sometime and got use to not doing much. On the other hand, I do need the money and can use being occupied doing something else besides being in front the computer. I am doing some things right lately for example, I saw my ex lover and I was able to dismiss his attempts to get affection from me. I did it and it felt good to not give in to him. You see he is still with the 29 year old woman and I can’t get over that not matter how much I try. I. It still hurts. I still cry practically every morning over that. During the crying spells I decided that I will not engage in another relationship for a while. I figure I will do that to help me heal and forget him completely. I don’t think that will happen quickly, but it will in time. For now I just plan to focus on my new job and study for the license exam that is coming up in September. I have not studied and I must soon. Lately I have been focusing too on my weight. I need to loose some weight and have lost a few pounds I still have a long way to go and I am working on it. Finally, today Saturday July 31, 2010 I started my day well. I had breakfast with an old friend and it was great. Now I plan to putter around the apartment for most of the day. I have no plans to go out today. Tomorrow I will start deciding what I will wear for the first day of work. I am hoping that these new beginnings will turn out to be the best time of my life.
It seems right that I have not spoken to him for a few days. I have not spoken to my “ex lover” in 3 whole days. To me thats is a lot. I don’t know when we will speak again. I miss him, yet I feel that this is right to not speak and or see each other for a while. It’s alright because like I mentioned before in my previous posts he is seeing someone new. He has decided to move on with out me. It seems right today only I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. Today I did cry about it before I even started my day, but right now at 3:37 p.m. Eastern time I feel a lot better. I have decided that I don’t deserve the way has treated me and that the last time we spoke he was very mean towards me and I still have a ringing in my ears from all the yelling between the two of us. I even broke a vase during our heated discussion. I will admit that felt pretty good to throw and break the vase. However, I decided today that I will try with all my might not contact him anymore because I finally realize he does not care for me at all. Right now I need people in my life who are supportive of me and care for me and I don’t believe he falls into that category. Currently I am listening to a song by Eddie Kendricks titled “He is a friend of mine” and even though I am not religious I feel that is what I need to do is reach towards my higher power to help sustain me through all of this; missing him. I almost feel rejuvenated and almost sure my ex does too. I think we both realize that our relationship most of the time especially when we were apart was toxic. I say when were apart because usually that is when we fought. We fought over the phone and the fights were usually verbally abusive from both parties. Now that I have finally accepted that I need to step back and get out of his way. I see things a lot more clear and hopefully now I will be able to move on a little easier. In my previous post and because of my desperation I thought I was getting sick mentally. I thought that my bipolar symptoms were flaring up. I even called my doctor to help me. That was on Tuesday and he still has not called me back. I don’t care anymore that my doctor did not call back because I feel a lot better, but that does not say much about my doctor. That was really careless of him not to respond, but then again I know that his Mother is very ill in Venezuela and perhaps that is where he is, yet he should have an answering service for emergencies. Luckily I think now I did not have an emergency. I feel a lot better and I even feel rejuvenated and that is a good feeling to finally have. I think what has helped is that I do have people I can talk to even though often I think I don’t. They are there and I say Amen to that for I would not know where I would be today if it were not for them. Well like I said before it all seems right where I am right now and may be it’s where I need to be. I also need to learn from it and hope that it never happens again. I don’t think it will, but you never know and if does I will run for the hills as soon as I get an inkling that I will be in the same situation. Now at 4:00 pm Eastern time I am going to listen to my Itunes (music) and rest something that had stopped doing for a little while because I felt so badly.
Trying to keep things in perspective even though my whole world has fallen apart. I have no job, I lost my lover, and my family barely speaks to me. Right now I wonder what karma I am paying for and what have I done to deserve all of this. My lover left me for a twenty nine year old he is forty seven. My family won’t speak to me because I criticized their choice of a baby sitter; a seventeen year old male taking care of a one year old girl. As far as my lover is concerned I have wished him well and pray for his happiness, but right now I miss him terribly and just want to be with him. As for my family I felt the loss this weekend when I spent the 4th of July weekend alone. The whole weekend I cried and can’t count the times that I curled up into the fetal position. I am hurting really badly, so much so that sometimes I get scared that I am getting sick mentally. I am bipolar and my symptoms could flare up when I get too emotional. Lately I have been hearing voices. I wanted to tell my doctor but he was away when I went to my appointment. His secretary gave me my prescriptions and now I have to wait until next month unless I call and say I have an emergency. I don’t want to do that yet. My pride and my will power will not let me make that statement, so I am going to try to get calm and keep things in perspective. Today I reached out to my ex-lover, but I thought he was not taking my calls, so I became frantic and kept calling until he did answer, but all I got from his end was anger because I called him way too often today. He basically said go outside and get a grip, are you drunk?, and go speak to someone else. He was cruel to say all those things and while he was I yelled that I need a friend and hung up on him. After that I stayed in bed for a while and wrote to him via text everything I needed to say in the hopes that he reads it. Again I am bipolar and won’t quit because I ruminate and get obsessed about things. Now that I think I said everything I had to say and reached out in vain. I have decided to do in this sweltering weather here in New York is wait to finish my last cigarette and then go outside to the store to get more. I would like to add that I do have one good friend and as it turns out is a minister. She is very caring and good to me, but she is in Florida right now and I don’t want to bother her during her trip with my problems, so in the mean time I have chosen to write on wordpress because it really helps me in trying to keep things in perspective.
Today I tell myself that I have to accept this reality that is my life.
My friends are only around during happy times.
That I could no longer count on my Mother for support.
That I cannot turn to anybody if I have monetary needs.
That the man that I love does not even want to talk to me.
Those realities that I have come to believe are my life are making me angry, bitter and most of all sad. Because of those feelings I am not sleeping properly nor eating right. I am smoking about a pack a day of cigarettes.
Today I feel shut out from the world and don’t see or know anybody that could comfort me. I lighted a candle yesterday and prayed that by the time the candle burns that most of my pain will subside. Currently my mind is clear and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what is happening in my life I have contributed to. For instance, the man that I love does not want to talk to me because I would not stop calling at all times. He said that I was harassing him and that I was making him very uncomfortable. He also said that if my behavior continues that he was going to take steps that could damage my reputation. I finally get it that his message is that he does not want to hear from me anymore. I take some responsibility for my position in his life now, but at the same I can’t believe that he has decided to treat me that way. I say that because I treated him well and in turn he has giving me his back. I can’t turn to him for anything now. I feel betrayed by him and often wonder weather the times we shared that included eating meals together, watching t.v. and of course making love meant anything to him. I think that it did not. I know because he would turn on me for any little thing; a comment or even asking for a hug. He often belittled me and yelled and called me names. I have always forgiven him for that and every time he asked me to see him again I would and never hesitated . Now three weeks later he has confirmed everything that I think I already knew deep down and that is that he does not care for me. I have come to the understanding that although I put every effort to change his feelings I failed at it. I should not be surprised because he said it from the start that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I chose to stay after the statement in spite of it. I figured that I could be satisfied with him seeing me from time to time and it was worth to me because most of the times were pleasurable. So today because I am not working I have all this time in my hands to think and try to change my mindset and get my act together with out him. He has moved on in this short time that we have been apart and is even dating someone.
As for my friends I think that they are tired of the same story about me and this man. So I have to accept that and think about how often they told me that the relationship was no good. I have to respect the fact that people do get tired if one does not take constructive advice. They have tried to tell me over and over again that it’s not good relationship. That can only prove that I do have friends that care it’s just that what I want is to be indulged and for them to assuage my feelings. That makes selfish and self centered. Now I feel a little better after writing. Finally, writing has always help me and I have many diaries as proof. For now I will have to sit with my feelings get with the program and keep it moving for life is too short to dwell on the haves and have nots and that is reality. In addition, my Mother died in 2008 and she was my best friend.
I remember when I use to care for just about everything, but slowly but surely that has all changed. I no longer care for a lot of things. Now a days I only seem to care for my cat that I have had for 12 years. My Mom passed away in 2008, but that is another story about how I miss her.
Going back to not caring. The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and said to myself I don’t care about anything. I think the final thing that made me say that was when I got terminated from work. I still cant’ believe that it was done. Anyway what I have decided to do which coincides with my feeling of not caring is not work for awhile. I don’t want to work because I feel as if I am not worthy of having a job and that as a social worker I have failed. Because I got terminated from my last job I feel embarrassed and can’t seem to come up with the courage to find another job, so I don’t care about getting another job.
The other things that I don’t care about are the things I use to do. I use to crochet, keep a diary, dance, go the movies and kept busy doing constructive things, but in the last 10 years I don’t do any of those things. All I do is sit in front of the computer, but the one good thing that has come out of that is blogging through wordpress.
Finally, the last thing that I am afraid I don’t care about is people. It’s ironic I am a social worker and don’t care about people anymore. I literally have decided that I will not give my heart to anyone anymore and that I won’t get entangled in other peoples feelings about themselves or me. This frame of mind came to be after so many let downs by people that I use to care about.
I can’t even begin to describe how many times I have put all my energies into people and then they just either take me for granted or just walk out of my life with out a care. Don’t get me wrong I care in some level, but what I am trying to say is that I won’t show it anymore and won’t let myself become vulnerable in front anyone for a long time. It’s sad for me to feel this way, but it’s the way feel. It’s like life to me has become a burden. I am not having suicidal ideations I don’t think that way, but I am very disappointed in myself and what I have let myself become and that is someone who is totally jaded and has lost all hope.
I don’t think I am conveying my message clearly right now and I will in the future by being more descriptive and detailed about what I am trying to say about being non caring. But may be by revealing the fact that I am bipolar that can shed some light into my message. I will surely elaborate soon about what is making me so callous and uncaring.