Murky

La Nuit 1883 by William Adolphe Bouguereau

My thoughts and feelings are murky today. I can’t figure out what I am really feeling. I can remember that yesterday and the day before I felt happy, but starting late last night I started to feel odd. I remember when it happened and it was when I started thinking of him; my ex. I thought of him and realized that I no longer feel the longing I did for him. Those feelings of wanting him have gone. I don’t feel the intense desire anymore to be near him. I finally come to the realization that it’s over, but that was yesterday that I felt that way. Today I my feelings are murky and unexplainable. Could it be that I feel numb and unfeeling? Have I become callous and uncaring? I hope not. For I consider myself a sensitive person and in touch with my feelings. Even yesterday the day the anniversary of my Mothers death did not move me. Only for a brief moment last night I did cry for her, but that was it. Could it be that I’ve grown up some and feel stronger and not letting my feelings get to me? Could it be that? I just don’t know. May be it’s that I learned from the experience and don’t feel so vulnerable anymore. That’s good I think. As write this the word that comes to mind is hollow. As if my feelings were yanked away from me. It’s a scary way to feel. I do hope that it goes away soon and that become my sensitive and dogged self soon.  I don’t like not feeling anything. I notice yesterday even when I receive calls I don’t want to engage nor do I feel anything about the caller. I wonder if he were to call would I feel anything. Should I test that by calling him? No I don’t think I should do that. I don’t want to alienate him and make him think that I still harbor intense feelings for him. I must admit that my body has not lost it’s desire to have sex. I want to have sex and as I am writing realize I do still want to have sex with him, but that can’t happen because I have forgotten him and don’t desire him like I use to. Right now at 10:27 a.m. my feelings are still murky and explainable. I don’t what to make of it. All can say it’s as if I were mechanical and the only thing that I feel is my body full of desire to be touched, but mind does not feel a thing and does not even think of ways to get touched accomplished. I just don’t know what to make of this current mental status and only hope that by tomorrow I will not feel this way.

My Christmas

Santa Claus

Today is Christmas eve and I feel ok. I will not be giving gifts because I cannot afford too. I have three nieces that I would like to give gifts too but can’t. Hopefully next year I will be able to. Today I have plans to spend the early part of the day with a friend. Then I plan to stay home alone. That’s no problem I prefer it that way. I always have. New years eve I plan to do the same thing. Today I actually feel pretty good and don’t want to complain, so all I will say is have a Merry Christmas.

Don’t Care

I remember when I use to care for just about everything, but slowly but surely that has all changed. I no longer care for a lot of things.  Now a days I only seem to care for my cat that I have had for 12 years.  My Mom passed away in 2008, but that is another story about how I miss her.

Going back to not caring. The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and said to myself I don’t care about anything.  I think the final thing that made me say that was when I got terminated from work. I still cant’ believe that it was done. Anyway what I have decided to do which coincides with my feeling of not caring is not work for awhile. I don’t want to work because I feel as if I am not worthy of having a job and that as a social worker I have failed. Because I got terminated from my last job I feel embarrassed and can’t seem to come up with the courage to find another job, so I don’t care about getting another job.

The other things that I don’t care about are the things I use to do. I use to crochet, keep a diary, dance, go the movies and kept busy doing constructive things, but in the last 10 years I don’t do any of those things. All I do is sit in front of the computer, but the one good thing that has come out of that is blogging through wordpress.

Finally, the last thing that I am afraid I don’t care about is people. It’s ironic I am a social worker and don’t care about people anymore. I literally have decided that I will not give my heart to anyone anymore and that I won’t get entangled in other peoples feelings about themselves or me. This frame of mind came to be after so many let downs by people that I use to care about.

I can’t even begin to describe how many times I have put all my energies into people and then they just either take me for granted or just walk out of my life with out a care. Don’t get me wrong I care in some level, but what I am trying to say is that I won’t show it anymore and won’t let myself become vulnerable in front anyone for a long time. It’s sad for me to feel this way, but it’s the way feel. It’s like life to me has become a burden. I am not having suicidal ideations I don’t think that way, but I am very disappointed in myself and what I have let myself become and that is someone who is totally jaded and has lost all hope.

I don’t think I am conveying my message clearly right now and I will in the future by being more descriptive and detailed about what I am trying to say about being non caring.  But may be by revealing the fact that I am bipolar that can shed some light into my message. I will surely elaborate soon about what is making me so callous and uncaring.