Of course it has not been that long since we separated, so I still miss him. I saw him briefly on July 16, 2010 on the day of his birthday to tie up some loose ends. I tried to be calm and I think I was, but I still reached out and touched him and even kissed his cheek. I miss doing that and wanted to be with him, but he has someone new in his life and I could not even image being with him in a sexual manner knowing that he has been with someone else. I am so jealous these days of her because she has access to him and I do not anymore. I guess that down the road I can call him for a brief chat, but I don’t even want to do that because it will hurt too much when the conversation ends and he will say good bye. In the mean time what has been happening to me at all kinds of hours is that I get excited because I miss him. My body starts to ache for his touch. What I do to quell those feelings are numerous things; clean, bathe, or just lay down. Sometimes all that works but most often than not I just have to wait for the feeling to pass. It’s obvious that for some time I will have those sexual feelings for him. He might not ever know this, but I have decided for today that he will be the last man that I will ever have a relationship with. I decided that because I don’t think I can bare having another man touch me in any manner. I don’t think I could stand that. I have had many lovers, but he is the one that took my heart and has not given it back. The proof of that is a man that has been trying to change my mind about giving my body and heart to him, but I refuse and will not give myself to anyone like I said before for sometime. I would of course like it to be forever, but forever is a long time and I don’t know what the future holds.I been contemplating this idea for a long time and that is and have looked into it already. It may also seem juvenile that I want a chinese symbol tattoo of his name on the small of my back. I love the idea because for one I have always wanted to do it and because if I do the mark will mean to me that I was dedicated to the relationship and it meant a lot to me. I want to hold the relationship memories dear and the tattoo will help with that. Plus to me it will also mean a life battle scar. A scare that will be visible for others to see and for me to cherish. Again it may seem juvenile, but that is what I am planning to do in the near future. Finally, today Sunday July 18, 2010 I had plans to go the beach, but decided against it because I don’t want to go out doors alone because I feel vulnerable and will start to feel sorry for myself because I feel lonely. I would ask a friend to go with me, but most of my friends are either in church or have other plans so I will just stay home and find things to do.
The letter that I will never send
I will never forget my many taxi cab rides to your apartment. Usually when I took those rides I was filled with excitement and could not wait to see you. It will also be difficult to forget because I use to think of your home as my refuge from the world. I felt so comfortable there and never want to leave when I am there. Your company meant a lot to me. I tried this weekend to accept your decision not see me anymore. I have even put words in your mouth so I can convince myself that you truly mean it. It’s going to take sometime to get use to not seeing you. Now I have to keep very busy in order to block out my intense desire to see you again. I have spoken to you in the interim of me feeling lousy and you sound good and determined to keep your decision of separating from me. Anyway I will end this letter for now and will soon write you again. Remember that I will never forget you and the times we spent together.