Sitting in Front of the Computer

It’s not a joke to be sitting  in front of my computer and surfing the internet all day. I spend my days just doing that. Today I did manage to dust, but I did not do much else. I really need to reevaluate my life and make better decisions like doing something else besides sitting in front of the computer. I have so many things that I need to do. I need to study for my license exam, exercise, and meet with friends and family.

I am not a young girl anymore and I have to get some perspective. I need to prioritize and face my life challenges head on and not procrastinate to avoid them. I need to be again the woman that I know I am and that is driven and a go getter.

I know why I am acting like I have no responsibilities. It’s because I got terminated from work not too long ago. When I got terminated I was also handed a copy of my evaluation that was written by someone that was not even my supervisor. It was a vicious evaluation. I say vicious because the way she wrote it now makes me doubt my ability to be a social worker.

I know that what I am trying to do is hide from the world because of that treatment by my ex employer. I feel shot down by the termination and feel embarrassed, so because of that situation I have decided that for now I am going to stay home and sit in front of the computer for most of the day. It’s not a joke, but that is what I intend to do for a while.

Advertisements

Comfortably Numb

Feeling comfortably numb these days. I lost my job on April 23, 2010. Excuses; I lost it after having five supervisors. I felt during my time at that job that I was not being productive due to all the changes that kept arising on how to perform the job. I could not keep up and felt overwhelmed often. I tried daily to cut it and do my job, but most of the time it was impossible. I did finally become comfortable with my performance but it was too late and I got terminated. Today I spend most of my days on the computer. I am suppose to study for a license exam for Social Work, but I have not started. I did schedule study time for today at 3:00 p.m. I just hope I don’t find an excuse not to do it. As for feeling comfortably numb I say that because I have decided to just hide out in my apartment and try to feel and think as little as possible about my career and relationships.  I think it’s just a defense mechanism for now. I don’t think I will stay this way for very long because I am driven and go after what I want in all aspects of my life. I say I won’t stay this way very long but unfortunately I don’t know when I will be able to pick myself and start to face my challenges. I know I will but when is the question. I feel really comfortable in this mode. For now I will stay this way; comfortably numb for an unknown period of time.