Trying to keep things in perspective even though my whole world has fallen apart. I have no job, I lost my lover, and my family barely speaks to me. Right now I wonder what karma I am paying for and what have I done to deserve all of this. My lover left me for a twenty nine year old he is forty seven. My family won’t speak to me because I criticized their choice of a baby sitter; a seventeen year old male taking care of a one year old girl. As far as my lover is concerned I have wished him well and pray for his happiness, but right now I miss him terribly and just want to be with him. As for my family I felt the loss this weekend when I spent the 4th of July weekend alone. The whole weekend I cried and can’t count the times that I curled up into the fetal position. I am hurting really badly, so much so that sometimes I get scared that I am getting sick mentally. I am bipolar and my symptoms could flare up when I get too emotional. Lately I have been hearing voices. I wanted to tell my doctor but he was away when I went to my appointment. His secretary gave me my prescriptions and now I have to wait until next month unless I call and say I have an emergency. I don’t want to do that yet. My pride and my will power will not let me make that statement, so I am going to try to get calm and keep things in perspective. Today I reached out to my ex-lover, but I thought he was not taking my calls, so I became frantic and kept calling until he did answer, but all I got from his end was anger because I called him way too often today. He basically said go outside and get a grip, are you drunk?, and go speak to someone else. He was cruel to say all those things and while he was I yelled that I need a friend and hung up on him. After that I stayed in bed for a while and wrote to him via text everything I needed to say in the hopes that he reads it. Again I am bipolar and won’t quit because I ruminate and get obsessed about things. Now that I think I said everything I had to say and reached out in vain. I have decided to do in this sweltering weather here in New York is wait to finish my last cigarette and then go outside to the store to get more. I would like to add that I do have one good friend and as it turns out is a minister. She is very caring and good to me, but she is in Florida right now and I don’t want to bother her during her trip with my problems, so in the mean time I have chosen to write on wordpress because it really helps me in trying to keep things in perspective.
I love this little girl so much. I have not seen her in a few months because of a misunderstanding with her Mother. Now I suffer for it because only get see her in pictures. I miss her and dislike the fact that I am missing important moments in her life; like her birthday. I did not think the argument reaction would last this long. I apologized the same day of the argument, but my sister in law did not acknowledge or accept the apology. Now I have to endure the pain of missing my niece.