The Master of My Head and Mind


He is the master of my head and mind. Should I say more?


Letting Go


To those of you that read my blog I want to report I am still pining for the man that I’ve mentioned many times. I want to say I have not made much a breakthrough because I am still struggling with my feelings for him. Once again I find myself on the outs with him. Again he has a new girlfriend and he has no plans of leaving her. He does not state he loves her, but he does state she is a good woman. My feelings about that are of hurt and disdain towards him. During our few and short conversations we argue and shout at each other. You are probably asking yourself why does this woman continue to talk to such a creep. He obviously does not deserve my attention in any shape or form. There is a problem because we are entangled financially and he owes me money. I addition I gave him an Iphone for Christmas and I am still paying the usage bill. I know it sounds crazy and should just get my money and turn off the phone and run for the hills. I have not done that though because in my own sick way I think that I am still in his life because of the financial entanglements. I know I must let go and an example of that would be to turn off the damn phone and not take his calls. Well I have to go to work now. I will continue writing about this in the near future. In the meantime feel free to post your opinions and comments. I am back and off from work and I must say it was a productive day. I am happiest these days when I am busy with work or something enjoyable. Anyway I will go back to the topic I was writing about now. Regarding the man that still love. I remember that many times he has said he has trust issues and I think it’s because he is adopted and the feeling of abandonment  might come up for him more often than not.  I’ve tried many times to get help him trust me, but he says he does not for various stupid reasons.  For instance, now he says he can’t trust me because I call him and text him randomly and he does not like that because he has a girlfriend and he is afraid she might notice the contact from me. He has said to me I don’t know what you are capable of doing, so to try to get him to trust me so I bought to his attention that I get the phone bill and statement and that I have his girlfriends number in it and that would never call it. He said how do I know you wont and I say it’s simple because I won’t. Sorry to my readers if I am rambling. I will get on track with this post by asking what if a man after he declares him not single can he still send you pictures of his dick or face time you naked? Well he does that and makes me confused so I call him then he shouts and says why are you calling me? “Did I not tell you not to call me because I have a girlfriend. I try to explain myself and all he does is yell and scream literally saying I can’t allow to you contact me all the time. I can’t take it what do I have to do to get you to stop? Then he says if I have to protect me and my girlfriend I will call the cops because you are stalking and harassing me. When he says those things that’s when I start to cry and beg forgiveness. Is that sick or what? So the conversation ends with us shouting at each other him asking me to stop contacting him and me trying to explain that I get confused when he exposes himself. His answer to exposing himself is he was being stupid and not thinking about his actions. Finally, the call ends with one us hanging up abruptly. Now I leave you my readers asking why do I put up with this shit?

I’ve Done it Again



I’ve done it again because I love him. I held on and now it blew up in my face again. I try to let go, but have been unsuccessful thus far. What I am trying to say is that he met someone new.  He met her about 6 years ago, but now they are dating. He stated he likes her, but does not know if they will have a serious relationship. Once he told me that information I’ve removed myself. I did not tell him that I will not see him, but that’s what I’ve decided. I will not play the other one and subject myself to pain. The one thing I can say that I will do is stay away and because I’ve made the decision to that now I wake up since I found out the news in anguish. I cry like a baby for him because I miss him so much. Yeah it’s the same guy that I keep writing about. I have not tired of him and have not let him go as much as he pleads for that. I have to respect his wishes and will let go of how I feel for him eventually, but in the meantime I will cry and kick and screaming saying no this can’t happen once again. Why wont’ I learn my lesson and realized that he does not care for me in a romantic way? Finally, I would like to say that I am trying to let go and will eventually it’s just that it takes time. To me this feel like something has died and like I said before because of that feeling I wake up daily in the mornings in anguish. For those of you who read my blog please root for me and tell me I have to let go, but in the mean time I will love him from a distance. Song below kinda says how I feel. 

Changes Coming Down the Pike


Changes are coming down the pike at work. I work from home and the higher ups  are implementing some rules that I don’t like for instance, they created an activity sheet, so staff can account for all their  work time. May be that’s minor but that’s micro managing and I hate that.  Don’t get me wrong I love my job and intend to stay with it for the long haul. I am  also grateful to have a job that pays the bills. You know what I am going to chalk it all up to the ways of the work world and that’s it not personal.

Now I will share about my love life. It’s going o.k. still with the same man. He at times can be very difficult and makes me want to run away and forget him, but I love him a lot and don’t want to do that, so just like my job I will remain and endure the difficulties with out complaining too much. You see life is good and I am grateful to be in the mix and living.  

Will end my post with a quote:

The secret of joy in work is contained in one word – excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it. Pearl S. Buck