When I wake up in the morning and see my reflection while washing my teeth I hate the way I look. I hate what I see because I associate it with the feelings of rejection by my ex lover. In my reflection I see an ugly woman who has no future in love. In my reflection I see a woman that needs to compete with all woman that I consider more beautiful than me. In my reflection I compete with the woman that has my ex lovers love. In my reflection I see the face of depression and loss. Waking up to my reflection brings a deluge of bad feelings that take hours to shake off. In my reflection I don’t see the chance to overcome this feeling anytime soon. In my reflection I see the face of a lonely women getting old. In my reflection I can’t find peace and all I want to do is break the mirror with the hopes that my reflection will change. This ugly reflection will only go away when forget my ex lover and stop competing with my imaginary foes. This ugly reflection will only go away when I face myself and say I can overcome these feelings. I will overcome the feelings by saying to myself this too shall pass and will move on. In my reflection eventually I will see beauty and a hopeful future in all my endeavors, but right now my reflection is failing me and all I see is horror. Through my reflection I will put up with the feelings of failure. Know eventually I will try to be strong and will be able to face the cruelty of my reflection. I know eventually I will feel some determination and will fight and will conquer but in the meantime I will look at my reflection and say here I am looking at me.
My life is in fast forward not too fast but fast none the less. I was going to talk about my elusive relationship with the man that I love, but decided it against it. I will write about that another time. Instead what I want to share is that again I failed the exam by one point. I might have shared that already but don’t want to scroll through my blog to check, so sorry if I am repeating myself. Anyway I could not believe it when I pressed the completed exam key and found out that I failed once again. I have an excuses for failing this time; I told a lot of people that I was taking the exam and by doing so all I did was put more pressure on myself to pass. Then I took the exam at 4:00 p.m. and that is really not when I am at my best. I am a morning person and do my best work in the a.m. However, I am going to give it another try and hopefully this time I will get through and pass it. In the mean time, I got a call on Thursday May 19th that involved a job offer . I was shocked because after I interviewed for the position I thought that the interview went well, but that nothing would come of it because they were interviewing other people that perhaps had their license in social work. Anyway to make a long story short I got the social worker position serving people with substance abuse issues and HIV/AIDS and expect to start June 6th 2011. I am happy and decided to take the exam again before my start date. I am wondering though what to do if I pass the exam. I wonder if I should stay at this job for a bit or start looking for job that will pay more. Anyway I am rambling so I will stop writing for today. All I wanted to do was update my status and confirm that life is moving fast forward.
” Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer” Dennis Waitley
My thoughts and feelings are murky today. I can’t figure out what I am really feeling. I can remember that yesterday and the day before I felt happy, but starting late last night I started to feel odd. I remember when it happened and it was when I started thinking of him; my ex. I thought of him and realized that I no longer feel the longing I did for him. Those feelings of wanting him have gone. I don’t feel the intense desire anymore to be near him. I finally come to the realization that it’s over, but that was yesterday that I felt that way. Today I my feelings are murky and unexplainable. Could it be that I feel numb and unfeeling? Have I become callous and uncaring? I hope not. For I consider myself a sensitive person and in touch with my feelings. Even yesterday the day the anniversary of my Mothers death did not move me. Only for a brief moment last night I did cry for her, but that was it. Could it be that I’ve grown up some and feel stronger and not letting my feelings get to me? Could it be that? I just don’t know. May be it’s that I learned from the experience and don’t feel so vulnerable anymore. That’s good I think. As write this the word that comes to mind is hollow. As if my feelings were yanked away from me. It’s a scary way to feel. I do hope that it goes away soon and that become my sensitive and dogged self soon. I don’t like not feeling anything. I notice yesterday even when I receive calls I don’t want to engage nor do I feel anything about the caller. I wonder if he were to call would I feel anything. Should I test that by calling him? No I don’t think I should do that. I don’t want to alienate him and make him think that I still harbor intense feelings for him. I must admit that my body has not lost it’s desire to have sex. I want to have sex and as I am writing realize I do still want to have sex with him, but that can’t happen because I have forgotten him and don’t desire him like I use to. Right now at 10:27 a.m. my feelings are still murky and explainable. I don’t what to make of it. All can say it’s as if I were mechanical and the only thing that I feel is my body full of desire to be touched, but mind does not feel a thing and does not even think of ways to get touched accomplished. I just don’t know what to make of this current mental status and only hope that by tomorrow I will not feel this way.