New Beginnings

On Monday I start a new job near my apartment. I am not looking forward to it because I have been off for sometime and got use to not doing much. On the other hand, I do need the money and can use being occupied doing something else besides being in front the computer. I am doing some things right lately for example, I saw my ex lover and I was able to dismiss his attempts to get affection from me. I did it and it felt good to not give in to him. You see he is still with the 29 year old woman and I can’t get over that not matter how much I try. I. It still hurts. I still cry practically every morning over that. During the crying spells I decided that I will not engage in another relationship for a while. I figure I will do that to help me heal and forget him completely. I don’t think that will happen quickly, but it will in time. For now I just plan to focus on my new job and study for the license exam that is coming up in September. I have not studied and I must soon. Lately I have been focusing too on my weight. I need to loose some weight and have lost a few pounds I still have a long way to go and I am working on it.  Finally, today Saturday July 31, 2010 I started my day well. I had breakfast with an old friend and it was great. Now I plan to putter around the apartment for most of the day. I have no plans to go out today. Tomorrow I will start deciding what I will wear for the first day of work. I am hoping that these new beginnings will turn out to be the best time of my life.

Still Miss Him

33rd Street Train Station

Of course it has not been that long since we separated, so I still miss him. I saw him briefly on July 16, 2010 on the day of his birthday to tie up some loose ends. I tried to be calm and I think I was, but I still reached out and touched him and even kissed his cheek. I miss doing that and wanted to be with him, but he has someone new in his life and I could not even image being with him in a sexual manner knowing that he has been with someone else. I am so jealous these days of her because she has access to him and I do not anymore. I guess that down the road I can call him for a brief chat, but I don’t even want to do that because it will hurt too much when the conversation ends and he will say good bye.  In the mean time what has been happening to me at all kinds of hours is that I get excited because I miss him. My body starts to ache for his touch. What I do to quell those feelings are numerous things; clean, bathe, or just lay down. Sometimes all that works but most often than not I just have to wait for the feeling to pass. It’s obvious that for some time I will have those sexual feelings for him. He might not ever know this, but I have decided for today that he will be the last man that I will ever have a relationship with. I decided that because I don’t think I can bare having another man touch me in any manner. I don’t think I could stand that. I have had many lovers, but he is the one that took my heart and  has not given it back. The proof of that is a man that has been trying to change my mind about giving my body and heart to him, but I refuse and will not  give myself to anyone like I said before for sometime. I would of course like it to be forever, but forever is a long time and I don’t know what the future holds.I been contemplating this idea for a long time and that is and have looked into it already. It may also seem juvenile that I want a chinese symbol tattoo of his name on the small of my back. I love the idea because for one I have always wanted to do it and because if I do the mark will mean to me that I was dedicated to the relationship and it meant a lot to me. I want to  hold the relationship memories dear and the tattoo will help with that. Plus to me it will also mean a life battle scar. A scare that will be visible for others to see and for me to cherish. Again it may seem juvenile, but that is what I am planning to do in the near future. Finally, today Sunday July 18, 2010 I had plans to go the beach, but decided against it because I don’t want to go out doors alone because I feel vulnerable and will start to feel sorry for myself because I feel lonely. I would ask a friend to go with me, but most of my friends are either in church or have other plans so I will just stay home and find things to do.

It Seems Right

Banksy

It seems right that I have not spoken to him for a few days. I have not spoken to my “ex lover” in 3 whole days. To me thats is a lot. I don’t know when we will speak again. I miss him, yet I feel that this is right to not speak and or see each other for a while. It’s alright because like I mentioned before in my previous posts he is seeing someone new. He has decided to move on with out me. It seems right today only I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. Today I did cry about it before I even started my day, but right now at 3:37 p.m. Eastern time I feel a lot better. I have decided that I don’t deserve the way has treated me and that the last time we spoke he was very mean towards me and I still have a ringing in my ears from all the yelling between the two of us. I even broke a vase during our heated discussion. I will admit that felt pretty good to throw and break the vase. However, I decided today that I will try with all my might not contact him anymore because I finally realize he does not care for me at all. Right now I need people in my life who are supportive of me and care for me and I don’t believe he falls into that category. Currently I am listening to a song by Eddie Kendricks titled “He is a friend of mine” and even though I am not religious I feel that is what I need to do is reach towards my higher power to help sustain me through all of this; missing him. I almost feel rejuvenated and almost sure my ex does too. I think we both realize that our relationship most of the time especially when we were apart was toxic. I say when were apart because usually that is when we fought. We fought over the phone and the fights were usually verbally abusive from both parties. Now that I have finally accepted that I need to step back and get out of his way. I see things a lot more clear and hopefully now I will be able to move on a little easier.  In my previous post and because of my desperation I thought I was getting sick mentally. I thought that my bipolar symptoms were flaring up. I even called my doctor to help me. That was on Tuesday and he still has not called me back. I don’t care anymore that my doctor did not call back because I feel a lot better, but that does not say much about my doctor. That was really careless of him not to respond, but then again I know that his Mother is very ill in Venezuela and perhaps that is where he is, yet he should have an answering service for emergencies. Luckily I think now I did not have an emergency.  I feel a lot better and I even feel rejuvenated and that is a good feeling to finally have. I think what has helped is that I do have people I can talk to even though often I think I don’t. They are there and I say Amen to that for I would not know where I would be today if it were not for them. Well like I said before it all seems right where I am right now and may be it’s where I need to be. I also need to learn from it and  hope that it never happens again. I don’t think it will, but you never know and if does I will run for the hills as soon as I get an inkling that I will be in the same situation.  Now at 4:00 pm Eastern time I am going to listen to my Itunes (music) and rest something that had stopped doing for a little while because I felt so badly.

Really Trying To Keep Things In Perspective

New York City

Trying to keep things in perspective even though my whole world has fallen apart. I have no job, I lost my lover, and my family barely speaks to me. Right now I wonder what karma I am paying for and what have I done to deserve all of this. My lover left me for a twenty nine year old he is forty seven. My family won’t speak to me because I criticized their choice of a baby sitter; a seventeen year old male taking care of a one year old girl. As far as my lover is concerned I have wished him well and pray for his happiness, but right now I miss him terribly and just want to be with him. As for my family I felt the loss this weekend when I spent  the 4th of July weekend alone. The whole weekend I cried and can’t count the times that I curled up into the fetal position. I am hurting really badly, so much so that sometimes I get scared that  I am getting sick mentally. I am bipolar and my symptoms could flare up when I get too emotional. Lately I have been hearing voices. I wanted to tell my doctor but he was away when I went to my appointment. His secretary gave me my prescriptions and now I have to wait until next month unless I call and say I have an emergency. I don’t want to do that yet. My pride and my will power will not let me make that statement, so I am going to try to get calm and keep things in perspective. Today I reached out to my ex-lover, but I thought he was not taking my calls, so I became frantic and kept calling until he did answer, but all I got from his end was anger because I called him way too often today. He basically said go outside and get a grip, are you drunk?, and go speak to someone else. He was cruel to say all those things and while he was I yelled that I need a friend and hung up on him. After that I stayed in bed for a while and wrote to him via text everything I needed to say in the hopes that he reads it. Again I am bipolar and won’t quit because I ruminate and get obsessed about things. Now that I think I said everything I had to say and reached out in vain. I have decided to do in this sweltering weather here in New York is wait to finish my last cigarette and then go outside to the store to get more. I would like to add that I do have one good friend and as it turns out is a minister. She is very caring and good to me, but she is in Florida right now and I don’t want to bother her during her trip with my problems, so in the mean time I have chosen to write on wordpress because it really helps me in trying to keep things in perspective.

Today In My Life

Photograph by Donnie Love

~It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Started my post today with a quote that touched me because lately I have been making a fool out of myself trying to attain what I want out of life. Often though its instant gratification. Well recently I lost a friend. He was special to me because of how he expressed himself. He was intelligent and most of all funny. He passed of pancreatic cancer. He lasted a very short time after being diagnosed on November 09. According to him the pain was unbearable and I am sure he passed mostly because of pain. My Mother also passed of pancreatic cancer and she only last two months after her diagnosis she passed on February 2008. I hate pancreatic cancer.  I am writing today because I feel as usual blue and it does not help any to drink when you feel that way because it only exacerbates the feelings of despair. Due to drinking yesterday today my feelings are now magnified and all I want to do is crawl into bed an fall asleep, but my constant thoughts will not let me do that. Instead I have to try and keep busy by finding things to do that will distract me and not drink. I know to grab a drink was not the wisest choice,  but I  needed to make my negative thoughts about myself and where my life is stop. I would like to add that a lot of things are going on to make me feel this way. One, my relationship with a man that I care about  ended recently and my friend got terminated from her job recently and she may become homeless if she does not find a job quickly. I feel helpless with those two things that are happening. Firstly, about the breakup I feel lost and empty and want to quell those feelings immediately, but I know I can’t and have to wait for the feeling of sadness to dissipate in their own time . Secondly, for my friend I have to put limits on how I can help her. This is not the first time she lost her job. She has lost many jobs in the last few years. She has a drug problem that she does not want to address. She is fifty three years old and acts like a big baby who only wants to address her immediate needs and that is to drug and drink.  When her pattern of loosing employment started I told her that she will become homeless if she continues and I said that if she lost her job again I would turn my back on her.  I know that was cruel, but I figured then that may be should would straighten up and get some perspective, but that did not happen on the contrary she has gotten worse. She has been to treatment programs only to leave them midway. She has alienated all her family members. These last couple of days we have not come to middle ground because she is frantic and I am just too sad about my own problems to even try to help her, but then again how can help someone that does not want to be helped. What I am afraid about is that she will become homeless and my concern is where will she live, yet I have decided that if that happens she cannot live with me. I can’t extend my home to someone that I don’t completely trust. I am afraid that she will create havoc in my life that I don’t need or ever want. I feel guilty about that decision, but deep down I know it’s the right one. I know that I may loose her, but that is the chance I have to take. Finally, today in my life I have no plans for the 4th of July weekend. I feel left because of that, but I will endure it. I decided that I will not drink the rest of the weekend because like I said before it really does not help. What I might do is write again, but who knows.