When I wake up in the morning and see my reflection while washing my teeth I hate the way I look. I hate what I see because I associate it with the feelings of rejection by my ex lover. In my reflection I see an ugly woman who has no future in love. In my reflection I see a woman that needs to compete with all woman that I consider more beautiful than me. In my reflection I compete with the woman that has my ex lovers love. In my reflection I see the face of depression and loss. Waking up to my reflection brings a deluge of bad feelings that take hours to shake off. In my reflection I don’t see the chance to overcome this feeling anytime soon. In my reflection I see the face of a lonely women getting old. In my reflection I can’t find peace and all I want to do is break the mirror with the hopes that my reflection will change. This ugly reflection will only go away when forget my ex lover and stop competing with my imaginary foes. This ugly reflection will only go away when I face myself and say I can overcome these feelings. I will overcome the feelings by saying to myself this too shall pass and will move on. In my reflection eventually I will see beauty and a hopeful future in all my endeavors, but right now my reflection is failing me and all I see is horror. Through my reflection I will put up with the feelings of failure. Know eventually I will try to be strong and will be able to face the cruelty of my reflection. I know eventually I will feel some determination and will fight and will conquer but in the meantime I will look at my reflection and say here I am looking at me.
Feeling vulnerable today. Feel that way because find I myself alone and almost willing to let a stranger into my abode. The feeling at times to feel “loved” is immense. I want someone to hold me in their arms and praise me and say tender things to me. My vulnerability is such that I could make a mistake and fall into the wrong arms.
Yes I have old lovers that I could turn to fill the need but I don’t want them. I want to be with someone new. Believe I’ve become this way because six months ago I lost the man I love. I would gladly return to his arms but his arms are filled with another. I know if I enter a relationship soon after loosing another it will be a rebound, so I will try to restrain myself and not look for arms that will only hold me for a moment and not the long haul. I will try to deal with my vulnerability by loving myself in more ways than one if you know what I mean. I will pamper myself and remain hopeful for good things yet to come. I really don’t believe good things will come and only wish that I could go back to the man that I love. Finally, my vulnerability and need to be held I know will subside and will be strong again, but in the mean I feel vulnerable.
He is the master of my head and mind. Should I say more?
To those of you that read my blog I want to report I am still pining for the man that I’ve mentioned many times. I want to say I have not made much a breakthrough because I am still struggling with my feelings for him. Once again I find myself on the outs with him. Again he has a new girlfriend and he has no plans of leaving her. He does not state he loves her, but he does state she is a good woman. My feelings about that are of hurt and disdain towards him. During our few and short conversations we argue and shout at each other. You are probably asking yourself why does this woman continue to talk to such a creep. He obviously does not deserve my attention in any shape or form. There is a problem because we are entangled financially and he owes me money. I addition I gave him an Iphone for Christmas and I am still paying the usage bill. I know it sounds crazy and should just get my money and turn off the phone and run for the hills. I have not done that though because in my own sick way I think that I am still in his life because of the financial entanglements. I know I must let go and an example of that would be to turn off the damn phone and not take his calls. Well I have to go to work now. I will continue writing about this in the near future. In the meantime feel free to post your opinions and comments. I am back and off from work and I must say it was a productive day. I am happiest these days when I am busy with work or something enjoyable. Anyway I will go back to the topic I was writing about now. Regarding the man that still love. I remember that many times he has said he has trust issues and I think it’s because he is adopted and the feeling of abandonment might come up for him more often than not. I’ve tried many times to get help him trust me, but he says he does not for various stupid reasons. For instance, now he says he can’t trust me because I call him and text him randomly and he does not like that because he has a girlfriend and he is afraid she might notice the contact from me. He has said to me I don’t know what you are capable of doing, so to try to get him to trust me so I bought to his attention that I get the phone bill and statement and that I have his girlfriends number in it and that would never call it. He said how do I know you wont and I say it’s simple because I won’t. Sorry to my readers if I am rambling. I will get on track with this post by asking what if a man after he declares him not single can he still send you pictures of his dick or face time you naked? Well he does that and makes me confused so I call him then he shouts and says why are you calling me? “Did I not tell you not to call me because I have a girlfriend. I try to explain myself and all he does is yell and scream literally saying I can’t allow to you contact me all the time. I can’t take it what do I have to do to get you to stop? Then he says if I have to protect me and my girlfriend I will call the cops because you are stalking and harassing me. When he says those things that’s when I start to cry and beg forgiveness. Is that sick or what? So the conversation ends with us shouting at each other him asking me to stop contacting him and me trying to explain that I get confused when he exposes himself. His answer to exposing himself is he was being stupid and not thinking about his actions. Finally, the call ends with one us hanging up abruptly. Now I leave you my readers asking why do I put up with this shit?