Preparing

William Adolphe Bouguereau 1825-1905

Today at 4:00 p.m. I will take the exam for my license for social work. I studied some, but as usual not as much as I should have. I should be ashamed of myself for that. I am nervous as I prepare to go. I want to be as focused as possible during the exam and hope to pass it. I need to pass it because my future depends on it. If I do pass it I will be able to get a decent job and will leave some worries behind. I will be able to pay some of my school debt and other things too. I can’t think of anything else to write. Oh except that I met up with a good friend this weekend. She is a pastor. She took me out to dinner and before letting me go from her car we prayed for me to pass the exam. I am so thankful for her blessings. Anyway on that note I will stop writing for now and hope the next time I write is to say that I passed the exam.

Murky

La Nuit 1883 by William Adolphe Bouguereau

My thoughts and feelings are murky today. I can’t figure out what I am really feeling. I can remember that yesterday and the day before I felt happy, but starting late last night I started to feel odd. I remember when it happened and it was when I started thinking of him; my ex. I thought of him and realized that I no longer feel the longing I did for him. Those feelings of wanting him have gone. I don’t feel the intense desire anymore to be near him. I finally come to the realization that it’s over, but that was yesterday that I felt that way. Today I my feelings are murky and unexplainable. Could it be that I feel numb and unfeeling? Have I become callous and uncaring? I hope not. For I consider myself a sensitive person and in touch with my feelings. Even yesterday the day the anniversary of my Mothers death did not move me. Only for a brief moment last night I did cry for her, but that was it. Could it be that I’ve grown up some and feel stronger and not letting my feelings get to me? Could it be that? I just don’t know. May be it’s that I learned from the experience and don’t feel so vulnerable anymore. That’s good I think. As write this the word that comes to mind is hollow. As if my feelings were yanked away from me. It’s a scary way to feel. I do hope that it goes away soon and that become my sensitive and dogged self soon.  I don’t like not feeling anything. I notice yesterday even when I receive calls I don’t want to engage nor do I feel anything about the caller. I wonder if he were to call would I feel anything. Should I test that by calling him? No I don’t think I should do that. I don’t want to alienate him and make him think that I still harbor intense feelings for him. I must admit that my body has not lost it’s desire to have sex. I want to have sex and as I am writing realize I do still want to have sex with him, but that can’t happen because I have forgotten him and don’t desire him like I use to. Right now at 10:27 a.m. my feelings are still murky and explainable. I don’t what to make of it. All can say it’s as if I were mechanical and the only thing that I feel is my body full of desire to be touched, but mind does not feel a thing and does not even think of ways to get touched accomplished. I just don’t know what to make of this current mental status and only hope that by tomorrow I will not feel this way.

He Used Me

I finally succumbed to seeing my ex lover this Thursday February 11, 2011, yet I could not believe it was going to happen until he confirmed he was on the six train line in New York and only one stop away, so I waited with anticipation. Once I saw him I could tell he was having second thoughts. Then I felt nervous and did not know what to talk about. I finally came up with a conversation about my friend that I’ve talked to him about that is living with her  husband in spite of the fact that he has a 19 year old mistress. I told him how badly I felt about that. He did not say much during that conversation. As we headed towards my apartment door I was fairly convinced by then that he was full of regret with the visit. In spite of that I still proceeded to get ready to have sex him. I took a shower and  washed my hair. He waited in the living room and watched the news about Egypt and the Egyptian peoples revolt. When I finally surfaced I invited him into my bedroom that to my dismay was messy. I apologized and then fixed the bed so it was more comfortable by spreading the blanket, so he can lay on it, but that is not what he wanted. He wanted to stand erect and have me give him oral. I started to but then I asked if he would lay down. He did reluctantly and did not even take off his jeans and sneakers. I could tell then that it was going to be a quick and very casual blow job. He knowing that I have not had sex for about eight months barely touched me. I felt awful about that but continued with the deed. It was a success I made him cum and I knew he was content cause his words afterwards were “fuck yeah.” I felt good about my pleasuring him but at the same time felt used. After receiving his pleasure. He wanted to leave immediately after he cleaned himself. I offered a cab but we decided that he would take the subway instead. I walked him there. During the walk I was a few steps behind and practically yelling why are you acting this way. He said your a moron for not knowing why. Then I started to refer to his girlfriend that he is still with by saying she does not love you and you don’t love her either. While I practically cried he just kept walking ahead me and pleading with me to be quiet. I finally did quiet down and when I got closer to the train station with him I turned the corner and did not complete the escort. I walked home with no tears but very sad because I could not believe that he was treating me that way and that he used me. I did not feel embarrassed about it because I love him. What I felt was sadness and still feel is sadness. I also felt as if the whole thing did not happen. Once I got home I took off my clothes and went to bed. About one hour later he texted me. He did because before I went to bed I tweeted him that I had just gotten gipped and did not know what to do. On his text he wrote to please delete the tweet, so I did. Then he called twice. I chose not to answer the calls because I knew that we were going to argue. I also knew that he would say the dreaded words to me that he regretted the whole visit. I felt while I ignored his calls strong and decided then that I would not speak to him for a long time. But the next day I could not resist to start to disturb him on purpose. I what I chose to do to start the disturbing was to place and early morning call. I knew that would bother him because he is not an early riser. I pretended while calling him that I dialed his number in error. I just said oh I dialed your number in error when he answered then I hung up the phone. Then when I got to work I started texting to him things that I don’t remember and would have to read from my time line to remember. The point is that I started to show my disappointment and sadness. When we finally spoke on the telephone we argued and during the arguing he confirmed to me that he regretted the visit and even said that it was not that good anyway. We exchanged many calls after that. During those calls all we did was insult each other he even called me fat. The phone calls started at about 12:00 p.m. and ended at about 6:00 p.m. when I said  which was true that I am in a meeting discussing my new part time job. After the meeting I decided not call or texted again. Finally when I go home I  cried the tears that I was holding back and then told myself that he must be crazy and that he was also mean towards me. You see he mostly is mean to me anyway especially after we are intimate. I guess he feels “guilty” because he realizes that he is using me but I am not using him.  I love him and would practically do anything for him, but he does not feel the same about me. I’ve always known this but continue to love him and  see him, but not when he invites me to his apartment that is why he came to mine. Finally today on February 13th the day before Valentines I don’t feel as bad as I did on Thursday. What I have decided to do is try to focus on the things that I need to do for myself because I will not let him ruin my life with his tirades and selfish attitude. I will move on and take what happened as a lesson that I should make me stay away once and for all from him because he used me and always will as long is I let it happen.

Things

Lichenstein

On Thursday February 3rd went on a interview. The job is to be a social worker for people with traumatic injuries that want to remain home and as independent as possible. My role would be to assess and determine with the client what goals may be attainable. I really hope that I get the job. The Job is right up my ally. The company is checking my background and I think that is a good sign. If they were not interested they would not do that. Lately too I have been studying for the social work license exam, but I am ashamed to say; not as hard as I should be.  Today so far I’ve been on the computer and have done nothing else. I do plan do some constructive things like clean the apartment and then of course study, but only time will tell if I do that. I must though and should take things more seriously. I am not sure what is wrong with me and keeping me from doing the things I am suppose to do. I’ve become really careless and not disciplined and that is not good. However, writing this keeps things in perspective. The writing helps makes the things I am suppose to do seem very important and a must do.  Well in keeping with what I am suppose to do I will stop writing for now.