My Reality Today

Today I tell myself that I have to accept this reality that is my life.

Reality

  • My friends are only around during happy times.
  • That I could no longer count on my Mother for support.
  • That I cannot turn to anybody if I have monetary needs.
  • That the man that I love does not even want to talk to me.

Those realities that I have come to believe are my life are making me angry, bitter and most of all sad. Because of those feelings I am not sleeping properly nor eating right. I am smoking about a pack a day of cigarettes.

Today I feel shut out from the world and don’t see or know anybody that could comfort me. I lighted a candle yesterday and prayed that by the time the candle burns that most of my pain will subside. Currently my mind is clear and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of what is happening in my life I have contributed to. For instance, the man that I love does not want to talk to me because I would not stop calling at all times. He said that I was harassing him and that I was making him very uncomfortable. He also said that if my behavior continues that he was going to take steps that could damage my reputation. I finally get  it that his message is that he does not want to hear from me anymore. I take some responsibility for my position in his life now, but at the same I can’t believe that he has decided to treat me that way. I say that because I treated him well and in turn he has giving me his back. I can’t turn to him for anything now. I feel betrayed by him and often wonder weather the times we shared that included eating meals together, watching t.v. and of course making love meant anything to him. I think that it did not. I know because he would turn on me for any little thing; a comment or even asking for a hug. He often belittled me and yelled and called me names. I have always forgiven him for that and every time he asked me to see him again I would and never hesitated . Now three weeks later he has confirmed everything that I think I already knew deep down and that is that he does not care for me. I have come to the understanding that although I put every effort to change his feelings I failed at it. I should not be surprised because he said it from the start that he did not want a serious relationship with me. I chose to stay after the statement in spite of it. I figured that I could be satisfied with him seeing me from time to time and it was worth to me because most of the times were pleasurable. So today because I am not working I have all this time in my hands to think and try to change my mindset and get my act together with out him. He has moved on in this short time that we have been apart and is even dating someone.

As for my friends I think that they are tired of the same story about me and this man. So I have to accept that and think about how often they told me that the relationship was no good. I have to respect the fact that people do get tired if one does not take constructive advice. They have tried to tell me over and over again that it’s not  good relationship. That can only prove that I do have friends that care it’s just that what I want is to be indulged and for them to assuage my feelings. That makes selfish and self centered. Now I feel a little better after writing. Finally, writing has always help me and I have many diaries as proof. For now I will have to sit with my feelings get with the program and keep it moving for life is too short to dwell on the haves and have nots and that is reality. In addition, my Mother died in 2008 and she was my best friend.

Trying To Accept The Facts

Route to get to my refuge

Today I keep telling myself the facts about the relationship. The facts are that he told me the truth from the beginning; that he did not want to have a serious relationship. I thought I understood that and tried to accept it when he told me, but when the relationship continued my mind changed and I had hope that he would change his mind and take me seriously. I started to have hope because during the times we spent together most of the time he was sweet and caring, but I also have to remember that often we fought and the meeting turned sour because he got upset with himself and reported to me that he felt guilty about seeing me. He said he felt guilty because he was not having a constructive relationship with me. I often said to that; I don’t care and can handle this situation and the reality of it. What I said often seemed to eased his guilt so I thought. We continued this way for five years. Like I mentioned before my mind just kept entertain the idea that he would change his mind about me, but he has not and proof of that is that he ended the relationship with me a couple of weeks ago for a much younger woman. He was honest from the start when he made his decision to start dating her. He told me he was interested in another woman, but that he was ambivalent about pursuing her because of her age and other factors, but me like an idiot said to him that if he was pinning for her that he should pursue her especially if he suspected that she was interested in him. I also said that he will always wonder if he did not pursue her and that his fantasies of her will grow and he may not be able to contain himself. He was surprised that I actually encouraged him and had extensive conversations about his feelings about her. I did not realize then what I was doing. I just thought I was being a friend and helping decipher his feelings about the woman. All of a sudden I noticed that his pattern for seeing me changed abruptly and that he stopped contacting me, so that is when I began to worry and felt rejected. I became agitated and told him so. I even said to him not to talk to me about her anymore especially if he was going to pursue her. He said fine and asked me not to contact him anymore. That was the hardest thing that I had to accept. That he no longer wanted to have any contact with me.  I became terrified after that news and could not imagine not seeing him anymore. You see I thought of his home as my refuge from the world and often could not wait to visit him, so I could feel safe. He completely ended that at the drop of a hat. He cut me off without real warning in my mind. It’s been more than two weeks that I have not see him . I have had contact with him via text and the phone, but it’s only to quarrel.  The fact is that he made his decision and I have to accept it and so far all I do is cry over it. I cry mostly because I miss him, but also cry because I managed to fool myself into believing that maybe one day he would change his mind and look at me as a potential partner. That is not what has happened obviously and I have to accept it.  These are the facts and I have to keep trying to accept it. I have to accept this because he has proven to me that I am no longer a part of his life. I am trying to believe it and I cant’ so I am being going over the facts and trying to digest them and not let my fantasies of getting back together get the best of me. I must let go once and for all. So here I sit trying to accept the facts and forget my love.

The Letter That I Will Never Send

FDR

The letter that I will never send

I will never forget my many taxi cab rides to your apartment. Usually when I took those rides I was filled with excitement and could not wait to see you. It will also be difficult to forget because I use to think of your home as my refuge from the world. I felt so comfortable there and never want to leave when I am there. Your company meant a lot to me. I tried this weekend to accept your decision not see me anymore. I have even put words in your mouth so I can convince myself that you truly mean it. It’s going to take sometime to get use to not seeing you.  Now I have to keep very busy in order to block out my intense desire to see you again. I have spoken to you in the interim of me feeling lousy and you sound good and determined to keep your decision of separating from me. Anyway I will end this letter for now and will soon write you again. Remember that I will never forget you and the times we spent together.

Sincerely,

Me

The 44th President

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EARLY YEARS

Barack Obama was born in Hawaii on August 4th, 1961. His father, Barack Obama Sr., was born and raised in a small village in Kenya, where he grew up herding goats with his own father, who was a domestic servant to the British.

Barack’s mother, Ann Dunham, grew up in small-town Kansas. Her father worked on oil rigs during the Depression, and then signed up for World War II after Pearl Harbor, where he marched across Europe in Patton’s army. Her mother went to work on a bomber assembly line, and after the war, they studied on the G.I. Bill, bought a house through the Federal Housing Program, and moved west to Hawaii.

It was there, at the University of Hawaii, where Barack’s parents met. His mother was a student there, and his father had won a scholarship that allowed him to leave Kenya and pursue his dreams in America.

Barack’s father eventually returned to Kenya, and Barack grew up with his mother in Hawaii, and for a few years in Indonesia. Later, he moved to New York, where he graduated from Columbia University in 1983.

THE COLLEGE YEARS

Remembering the values of empathy and service that his mother taught him, Barack put law school and corporate life on hold after college and moved to Chicago in 1985, where he became a community organizer with a church-based group seeking to improve living conditions in poor neighborhoods plagued with crime and high unemployment.

The group had some success, but Barack had come to realize that in order to truly improve the lives of people in that community and other communities, it would take not just a change at the local level, but a change in our laws and in our politics.

He went on to earn his law degree from Harvard in 1991, where he became the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review. Soon after, he returned to Chicago to practice as a civil rights lawyer and teach constitutional law. Finally, his advocacy work led him to run for the Illinois State Senate, where he served for eight years. In 2004, he became the third African American since Reconstruction to be elected to the U.S. Senate.

POLITICAL CAREER

It has been the rich and varied experiences of Barack Obama’s life – growing up in different places with people who had differing ideas – that have animated his political journey. Amid the partisanship and bickering of today’s public debate, he still believes in the ability to unite people around a politics of purpose – a politics that puts solving the challenges of everyday Americans ahead of partisan calculation and political gain.

In the Illinois State Senate, this meant working with both Democrats and Republicans to help working families get ahead by creating programs like the state Earned Income Tax Credit, which in three years provided over $100 million in tax cuts to families across the state. He also pushed through an expansion of early childhood education, and after a number of inmates on death row were found innocent, Senator Obama worked with law enforcement officials to require the videotaping of interrogations and confessions in all capital cases.

In the U.S. Senate, he has focused on tackling the challenges of a globalized, 21st century world with fresh thinking and a politics that no longer settles for the lowest common denominator. His first law was passed with Republican Tom Coburn, a measure to rebuild trust in government by allowing every American to go online and see how and where every dime of their tax dollars is spent. He has also been the lead voice in championing ethics reform that would root out Jack Abramoff-style corruption in Congress.

As a member of the Veterans’ Affairs Committee, Senator Obama has fought to help Illinois veterans get the disability pay they were promised, while working to prepare the VA for the return of the thousands of veterans who will need care after Iraq and Afghanistan. Recognizing the terrorist threat posed by weapons of mass destruction, he traveled to Russia with Republican Dick Lugar to begin a new generation of non-proliferation efforts designed to find and secure deadly weapons around the world. And knowing the threat we face to our economy and our security from America’s addiction to oil, he’s working to bring auto companies, unions, farmers, businesses and politicians of both parties together to promote the greater use of alternative fuels and higher fuel standards in our cars.

Whether it’s the poverty exposed by Katrina, the genocide in Darfur, or the role of faith in our politics, Barack Obama continues to speak out on the issues that will define America in the 21st century. But above all his accomplishments and experiences, he is most proud and grateful for his family. His wife, Michelle, and his two daughters, Malia, 9, and Sasha, 6, live on Chicago’s South Side.

I Wanted to Believe

His subway stop to his home

I wanted to believe that he at least cared. We been seeing each other for over five years now. Now he has decided to extricate himself from me. I can’t believe that it is happening because I did not see it coming. I know he started saying that he met someone that has captured his attention. At first I thought that it was not a big deal because she is not even close to our age. She is much younger. I thought that may be he would forget it, but he  has not on the contrary he has decided to court her. Now I am in disbelief and find myself unable to accept it. I cry constantly and feel helpless. I know at first we had a cordial conversations about it. I allowed that because I thought nothing of it. What has  happened now is that this is a reality and because of it I have become insanely jealous and can’t even stand the thought of a woman that I have never met. She seems to have captured his heart in little time something that I have been unable to do with years of time. I feel so rejected and have tried to have a conversation with him about it, but he won’t allow it. He keeps telling me that he does not want to talk now and hangs up the phone. I feel now as if we never spent time together and that I never made an impact in his  life. I know from our past quarrels that he could be insensitive and often does not comprehend why I get angry and feel misunderstood. What confirms that was yesterday when we argued and shouted until late evening as a result of all the quarreling the last time we spoke  he said in a tone that I have never heard before to stop calling him. That tone in his voice is still in my head and I could still hear it today. The tone in his voice sounded to me like hate and disdain towards me. I finally once I heard him that way it made me realize that he does not care for me, but in spite of it all, incredibly I started today in a more peaceful mode because I know I must move on finally and let him go. I know this because I  have tried with all my might to get him to hear me and see that I love him, but he  has decided that he won’t accept my cries. That only proves to me the obvious and that is that he does not care as a result, today I will try to put it all behind me and like I said before I will move on with my life.   All I have ever wanted to believe is that he cares.

Love In My World

You have to know the past to understand the present

Love in my world currently is unrequited. I am in love with a man that I have been seeing for over 5 years. We have been lovers for all those years. He has had other relationships and so have I, but we always have managed to see each other in the interim. I know I am in love with him because when I am not around him I miss terribly all of him although, he is a man that is hard to figure out and very complex I still want him in my life. He is an artist and is quite moody. He is an intellectual too. He is easy to talk to when he is not angry. Oh and he is very handsome. During the time that I have been with him I have tried to get into other relationships with his urging, but I can’t seem to be able to do it because I am in love with him and can’t imagine being in another’s arms, but now I might have to turn to another. You see he might be in love with another woman or at least he thinks he is. She is quite young and I am sure not at his level of thinking, but yet he is enamored with the idea of spending time with her. I know this because he told me. As friend I gave him advice and even encouraged him to pursue her if that is his interest. The lover in me is crushed, annoyed, and hurt, but I think he does not know that. All I do know is think of him even more and worry that this time the relationship may work for him. Lately he does not look for me for anything and I know it’s because he is courting her. I am trying really hard not to contact him and today I am going into my 3rd day. I want to call him badly and did on Monday to ask if I left my ring there on one of my last visits. I was lying because I know I did not leave the ring there, but I found that excuse to call him. The call was well received but no plans were made to see each other again. That only confirms for me that he is content and does not need me around anymore. Like I said I am trying really hard to keep my dignity, but it’s been hard. All I want to do is beg him not to pursue this woman, but I can’t and I wont because I know that he does not love me and I don’t seem to interest him as a potential partner. This woman on the one hand is young pretty and even able to give him children, but on the other hand, is too young and not worldly enough for him. Again he is a very difficult man because he is very sensitive, complicated and not easy to figure out. I know this because I have spent a lot time with him and have seen all his sides. I also know the side of him that could be harsh and disdainful which is the side that most people I am sure would not tolerate the way I have. I don’t think this woman will either. Let’s just put it this way he is complicated all the way around and it takes a lot of love and patience to deal with him. I am doing it now dealing with him by not interfering with his choice to pursue another woman. I am trying like I said before to do it with dignity. I am keeping myself occupied and I am even going away for the weekend to try and forget for a little while what is happening between us. I know I won’t be able to do that entirely, but at least I am trying to and that will eventually pay off in the quest to forget him. Right now I am in love and no one can take away the love I feel for him. I will cherish every moment that I was able to spend with him and I know that if he asks me to I will return to him with no hesitation. In the mean time I have to sit with my feelings in the hopes that they will soon pass.  Right now love in my world is surely unrequited and not even acknowledged at this time and that hurts.

My Niece

I love this little girl so much. I have not seen her in a few months because of a misunderstanding with her Mother. Now I suffer for it because only get see her in pictures. I miss her and dislike the fact that I am missing important moments in her life; like her birthday. I did not think the argument reaction would last this long. I apologized the same day of the argument, but my sister in law did not acknowledge or accept the apology. Now I have to endure the pain of missing my niece.